


Rot/Rotting/Rotted

by NeoSoul



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Prequel Trilogy, Star Wars: The Clone Wars (2008) - All Media Types
Genre: Anakin Skywalker Needs a Hug, Angst, Anorexia, Bulimia, Depression, Disaster Lineage (Star Wars), Eating Disorders, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Food Issues, Gen, Human Disaster Anakin Skywalker, Hurt/Comfort, Mental Health Issues, Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-10
Updated: 2021-02-20
Packaged: 2021-03-13 21:28:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 23
Words: 26,845
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28660239
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NeoSoul/pseuds/NeoSoul
Summary: Anakin isn't good with coping, whether it be the pressure on his shoulders, the guilt of losing others, or just accepting his own self.  He develops destructive coping mechanisms - yet is surprised when his own body is unable to keep up.
Relationships: Anakin Skywalker & Ahsoka Tano, Obi-Wan Kenobi & Anakin Skywalker, Padmé Amidala/Anakin Skywalker
Comments: 13
Kudos: 94





	1. Chapter 1

Nights weren’t loud in the Jedi temple. They were quite the opposite actually. The busy coruscant nightlife bustled, but the Jedi temple halls were empty. Every once in a while someone would walk by, or roll - if they were a droid.  
The bustling nightscape lit the temple, along with the dull lights that hang from the ceilings.  
Anakin pulled himself along the halls. The large windows illuminated the outside world.  
He wasn’t able to sleep; which he no longer concerned himself over. It had been months since the Clone Wars had started, and at this point everyone was tired.  
Anakin had seen death, and an overwhelming amount of it. From many clones and Jedi to his own mother.  
He couldn’t lie and say it didn’t hurt him.  
His mind was almost always preoccupied with the many voices of lives lost.  
Lives he blamed himself for losing.  
Anakin always felt he could’ve done more to save those around him.  
He carried guilt with him.  
Blaming himself for the smallest of mistakes.  
He was the chosen one afterall.  
And it manifested itself differently, depending on how intensely he would feel it.  
Anakin had nights where he would just lay in bed, feeling the voices, as he’d feel vitriol towards himself.  
These were rare. Most of the time he was not strong enough to sit with the emotion.  
Anakin had many nights where he’d act upon such guilt.  
Or days.  
It would manifest in the refusal of food, most of the time.  
Anakin felt this to be the only worthy punishment.  
Sometimes it would manifest in more immediately destructive methods of coping.  
Anakin wore gloves which reached his elbow, to hide some of the angry scars that ran along his skin.  
This was rare - something he did in moments of unmanageable anger.  
In moments of despair, he tended more towards sneaking food from the dining hall, and eating as much as he could before bringing it back up again.  
This was embarrassing.  
Anakin didn’t enjoy the fact that he did it, nor did he ever really want to do it. It usually seems to just happen.  
He tried to avoid it, as it was his most destructive habit. Immediate damage was apparent, but there was lasting damage, that Anakin was starting to feel.  
He was only human.  
Anakin was tired. He wasn’t tired due to the lack of sleep though. He spent many of his nights sleepless, or with little sleep.  
This was an exhaustion that ran deeper. It ran throughout his body, and Anakin could tell it was an after effect of his awful habits.  
He couldn’t seem to care, not that this particular moment.  
His steps felt heavy, even with his actual bodyweight having decreased. His strength was failing alongside his health, and with the Clone Wars raging heavily - he felt nothing but more guilt for destroying his capability to fight.  
He had already ended up in the medical bay a few times due to being reckless.  
It was part of his brand.  
His comlink beeped, which usually meant something urgent.  
“Anakin? You there?” Obi-Wan asked through the comlink.  
“What’s up?” Anakin asked.  
“Meet me in the hangar bay, we have a bit of uh...a situation.” Obi-Wan said.  
Anakin turned his body around, adrenaline carrying his steps, as they were light, and the fact that he hadn’t eaten since breakfast was unapparent.  
A fleeting feeling; one that won’t last for very long.  
He walked into the hanger a few minutes later. He made every attempt to hide the fact that something so simple had winded him.  
“Alright, what’s the problem?” Anakin asked, announcing his presence.  
“On a recent mission, it seems your padawan was stranded with a troop of my men. They are safe, but in need of a ship to come back.” Rex explained, and Anakin had immediately started to his fighter.  
“And where do you think you’re going?” Obi-Wan asked.  
“I uh… We’re not using fighters, I guess.” Anakin observed, and shuffled back to the group.  
“No, we’re not fighting, just rescuing.” Obi- Wan explained, and boarded one of the cruisers. Anakin followed with a couple of clones.  
Nothing felt at stake, at least not at this current moment. Anakin was calm, and unnervingly so. There was something serene about existing in space at this very moment.  
He wasn’t sure if it pertained to his undeniable hunger.  
The time of night.  
Or the reassurance that this wasn’t an inherently risky mission.  
“You’re unusually quiet.” Obi-Wan observed.  
“What do you expect when you pull me for a mission at such an hour?” Anakin remarked.  
“I’m not sure what I was expecting.” Obi-Wan said, and Anakin pulled himself away from the window, and went to sit in the back, as the clones piloted the ship.  
An expected exhaustion passed over him, and with the calm atmosphere of the ship, he fell asleep on one of the benches.  
Anakin awoke some time later, and very calmly. He was expecting at least some form of attack on the ship, and was surprised to wake up as they landed on another jungle planet, and with Obi-Wan standing in the doorway.  
“I hope you weren’t watching me sleep.” Anakin remarked, as he pulled himself up.  
“Only for the last few minutes. We’re landed.” Obi-Wan said, as Anakin slowly made it to his feet - the hunger he was experiencing hours ago was now translated into weakness.  
His knees buckled slightly, as he took his first step. He caught himself, but the realization that Obi-Wan had watched him trip over himself. Anakin found nothing more embarrassing.  
Obi-Wan led Anakin towards the rest of the group, as they walked upon the planet, and ran straight into Ahsoka - as expected.  
“Took you long enough.” Ahsoka smirked. She stood beside Anakin, as she usually would. They loaded the salvaged supplies into the cruiser.  
“Tell me, how do you lose a ship?” Anakin asked, following Obi-Wan back into the loading bay.  
“It just crashed.” Ahsoka said, excusing herself jokingly.  
“Of course it did.” Anakin remarked, and they walked back to the bridge.  
Slightly unnerved by the uneventful trip, Anakin remained beside the other two Jedi - trying to remain on his feet - the deep running exhaustion weighing him down.


	2. A Falling Through

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Another mission and a close call.

Arriving back in the hangar bay of the temple, Anakin felt a familiar dread. He had avoided breakfast by traveling through hyperspace - but now it would be expected for him to follow the others to the dining hall. Everyone around him was aware that it had been an unnatural amount of time between meals, and Anakin couldn’t have them figuring it out.  
He was reluctant, but he walked into the decently empty dining hall.  
Most of those in the temple had already eaten, as they arrived in late morning.  
Obi-Wan was griping over the limited amount of leftovers from the morning, but Anakin felt relief with what he saw.  
Excuses could be made, at least this once. He didn’t really like anything he saw. It would be a waste of the food he did allow himself. He always made sure the food was exactly what he wanted, when he ate what he allowed himself that day.  
Anakin did decide to pour himself a small glass of blue milk - even with the concept of limiting his intake - he was smart enough to know that no, he could not just be a Jedi without at least something.  
He wasn’t dumb. What he was doing, it carried heavy risk. He was never fully ready for battle - his body unable to perform at the speed it used to.  
It was a risk he had accepted. Anakin found that if he were to get injured, it was just another way of dealing with the guilt.   
He wasn’t actively suicidal - that was obvious.  
But the thought of it just somehow being more peaceful if he wouldn’t exist - that was something that crossed his mind every once in a while.  
A fleeting thought he’d brush off with time. Shoving it down, as he was taught.  
Anakin took the cold glass to one of the tables, following Ahsoka and Obi-Wan.   
“Are you not hungry?” Obi-Wan asked.  
“There wasn’t anything I liked.” Anakin said, excusing himself.   
It seemed to be enough for Obi-Wan to mind his business, and for Anakin to escape back to his quarters for even just a couple moments of pure silence. He was desperate to just be alone.  
Locking his fresher door, he leaned against the counter, facing his mirror.   
He could barely look at himself, not up close. His face was sunken, and for the rare moments that he would smile - it was obvious. His eyes felt dull, and his skin had little color.  
Anakin pulled away from the mirror as quickly as he had looked to it. Disgruntled with himself.  
He was now debilitatingly hungry.  
This is where his slight hoarding came out - every once in a while he’d take snacks from the dining halls in the night, and shove into a drawer in the sink cupboard.  
It was all saved for moments like this.  
Anakin found himself collecting a handful of these snacks, and found one of the warmer corners of the fresher.  
He went to unwrap each piece, chuck the paper into the trash across from him, and then eat it.  
He was aware of exactly how much he had consumed, and was still disappointed when the pile was gone.  
When he wasn’t consuming everything; he was always hungry, and with that, his thoughts never really left food.  
It consumed him, really - even on some of the most difficult of missions.  
When the stack of food was gone - Anakin dragged his body from the wall, and with haste leaned over the toilet.   
He had grown good at this throughout the Clone Wars.  
Anakin pulled his left glove off of his one human hand, and shoved his middle finger down his throat, and as he pulled it up - everything he had consumed in the past few hours came up.  
He did it one more time, just be sure that he had rid of everything, and washed the bitter taste from his mouth.   
He was met with a knock on his door, startling him from the trance he had seemed to be in.  
“Anakin, did you get my message?” Obi-Wan asked.  
“How many times have we been over this. I like my privacy.” Anakin said, pinning himself against the sink.  
“I knocked didn’t I- are you alright?” Obi-Wan asked, his voice softening. Anakin’s heart skipped numerous beats, before racing. His cheeks grew hot.  
“Yeah. I’m fine.” Anakin said.   
“Good, we’ve been called for reinforcements.” Obi-Wan said, as the two walked out of Anakin’s chamber.  
“Again? I swear I can’t catch a break.” Anakin remarked.  
“You sounded sick. Are you sure you’re ok. We could stop in the med bay?” Obi-Wan brought up. Anakin quickened his steps.  
“I said I was fine. I’ll be good to fight.” Anakin said.  
“Of course.” Obi-Wan said, and they walked right back into the hangar bay.  
Anakin could tell he was still in the immediate post-purge - and it left him far dizzier than he should be. He stumbled just slightly as he walked up the ramp - falling into Ahsoka. To his relief - she just nudged him back playfully.  
“So what’s the dire situation this time?” Anakin asked, sounding irritated.  
“Warships on Ryloth have our troops in a bit of a mess. We’ve been called to protect those on the planet.” Obi-Wan explained.  
“Then we should get going huh.” Anakin snarked, as if he hadn’t just lifted from a daze - a common feeling, but a confusing daze nonetheless.  
Once the ship was calmly speeding through Hyperspace - Anakin left the bridge. He spent some time in the cramped hall of the cruiser, as it was quiet.   
The high was starting to wear off. His energy waning far quicker than he originally expected.   
The subtle rocking of the ship as it flew - it was far more noticeable in the quiet. Most of those onboard were just as silent, as most hadn’t slept a wink the entire night.   
“You went quiet all of a sudden.” Ahsoka pointed out, as she walked through the door.  
“I just needed time alone. Haven’t had a chance since you decided to crash a ship.” Anakin said, falling back into his usual snarky self. It wasn’t meant to be anything but playful banter, yet Anakin felt it only came off as rude.  
“It wasn’t my fault, there was an attack.” Ahsoka said, defending herself.  
“Never said I blamed you.” Anakin said, defending the banter.  
“Of course.” Ahsoka said, rolling her eyes.   
Ahsoka walked back to the bridge, leaving Anakin to go back to sulking - which he did promptly.  
He felt his pulse throughout his wrist. The slow, yet erratic pulse. It terrified him, he couldn’t lie.  
Obi-Wan was most definitely right; Anakin was sick - but he had no intention of getting better.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I uh, life outside of battle is rarely shown, so some of this stuff is speculation.  
> But hey let me know your thoughts !


	3. Plain Sight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Another injury lands Anakin in a situation

Anakin felt someone pull him from the rubble that had fallen on him. He assumed the detonation was successful - he was just unable to outrun it - catching himself in the offshoots of scrap metal.  
Anakin was met with Ahsoka’s face as he looked up.   
“I could’ve done that myself.” He rebuttled his distress.  
“Not even a thank you?” Ahsoka asked - jokingly. Anakin just rolled his eyes; playfully.  
“Thank you for saving me.” Anakin remarked, and they started back towards the shuttle.  
“This is what? The fourth time this week?” Ahsoka asked.  
They boarded the shuttle, and were en route back to Coruscant.   
Anakin wasn’t the only one with minor injuries, but he was the only one who tried to sneak past the medics - out of fear that they’d interfere with his habits and borderline addictions. He made his way quickly to his quarters - out of sight from those around him.  
Anakin removed his long robes, and dropped himself on his bed - the gash in his side bothering him only slightly. He fell asleep automatically, as the last few days had drained mostly any energy he had left.  
He could only get what felt like a few hours of shut-eye before a beeping comlink woke him.   
“What do you need? I just started sleeping.” A skin said, frustrated.   
“I was just making sure you were ok. You were not in the med bay, as you should be.” Obi-Wan questioned.   
“I feel fine. I just need sleep.” Anakin said into the comlink. It felt like more of a lie. His side was in quite a bit of pain, but he had patched it on his own. It should be enough.   
“It didn’t look fine.” Obi-Wan said. Anakin was no longer grumpy from a disrupted nap - he was now terrified. The wound being on his side was bad enough, it was the other rogue wounds he had inflicted that scared him more - even if they were passable for battle scars.   
“I promise you, it’s fine.” Anakin tried reassuring.   
“If you don’t get down to the med bay in the next hour, I will revoke your fighter privileges for the next few missions. Choose wisely.” Obi-Wan scolded.  
Anakin inhaled deeply.   
“I’ll be there.” He mumbled, reluctantly, and dragged himself down the long hallways. His steps causing his wound pain, and he hadn’t realized how bad it was until he made it to the med bay.  
“Is there a certain reason you evaded the medic?” Obi-Wan asked, as Anakin walked through the door.  
“I just wanted sleep, honestly.” Anakin said. He was nervous; which wasn’t something one could see externally, but Obi-Wan was sure to sense it.  
“Does it still hurt?” Obi-Wan asked.   
“Yeah, but it’s not that bad, really.” Anakin said; downplaying the pain, but it hurt - awfully. He just had to keep it from his master. He wasn’t supposed to feel such things.  
He was led to a separate room by a simple med droid, instead of the healers - who were busy with the more injured patients, but as Anakin undressed to show the wound - which was then scanned by the droid - there was a realization that the wound needed more care than could be offered.  
A healer was called into the room, and Anakin’s breath hitched when he recognized them. They had healed a separate chest wound a few months ago.   
Months ago his bodyweight was higher. He was recognizably smaller, and there was no hiding it, not at this point.  
“You’re back here again, not surprising at this point.” The healer pointed out - which wasn’t false. Anakin’s recklessness had him in and out of the med bay, but not since he had fallen further into his destructive habits.  
“Not to brag, but this was my longest streak.” Anakin said, making banter in hopes that the healer would not notice the loss in weight.  
“Of course,” The healer said. They went to look at the wound. “You should’ve come much earlier. I’ll be able to patch this, but you’ll need to stay at the temple for a few days, until it closes.”   
Anakin sighed, as the healer placed a healing patch upon the area. They wrapped a longer bandage across his ribs to keep the patch in place.  
“How long will it take to heal?” Anakin asked.  
“No longer than a week until you’re back.” The healer explained.  
“Great, see you then.” Anakin said, tying up and closing his tunic. He pushed himself off of the small bench, and darted towards the door.  
“Before you go.” The healer said, quickly. Anakin just braced himself. This was probably past due anyway.   
“Yeah, what’s up?” Anakin asked, his voice falling.  
“You’ve lost weight since your last visit,” The healer pointed out. Anakin - even as he had prepared for this moment - felt unable to breathe with panic setting in. He had no desire to let anyone in. “It’s not alarming, but I thought you should know. Take better care of yourself.” The healer said. Anakin dropped the panic as quickly as it had picked up.  
“Yeah, sure. I’ll try.” Anakin lied, and left the room.   
There was an odd annoyance in his loss in weight not yet being alarming, as if he had something to prove.  
He was already dumb enough to even do what he was doing during a time of war. For the first few months he was in the med bay every other mission.  
Part of him wanted to prove some stupid point - that he could lose enough weight for it to be alarming, even though that was the last thing he should even dwell upon.  
Anakin found Obi-Wan still sitting outside.  
“What’re you still doing here?” Anakin asked.  
“Waiting for you.” Obi-Wan said.  
“Why? Don’t you have other places to be?” Anakin asked.   
“I was just making sure you wouldn’t weasel your way out.” Obi-Wan said.  
“You really didn’t-” Anakin started.  
“So how long until you’re healed?” Obi-Wan asked, changing the subject.  
“A few days to a week.” Anakin said, frustrated.  
“Had you gotten trapped a few seconds earlier, it’d be a lot longer. Be thankful we were there.” Obi-Wan pointed out.  
Anakin remained silent as he followed Obi-Wan, with no reason to do so.  
Anakin quickly split off when he realized that Obi-Wan was on his way into the dining halls, like most other jedi at this point in the day.  
“Will you not be joining?” Obi-Wan asked.   
“You did disrupt my nap from earlier, and I think I deserve another.” Anakin said to excuse himself from dinner.  
“Of course, just don’t forget to eat.” Obi-Wan said, as they parted ways.  
Anakin wandered the long and darkening halls, back towards his quarters - where he planned to spend the week, most likely sleeping, so he could avoid any hunger.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah, so this is fun to write w banter.


	4. Close Encounters

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Anakin is not one that deals with injury well.

“Anakin, you’ve rarely left your quarters all week.” Obi-Wan said through the comlink. Anakin sat on the fresher floor, as he had purged once again.  
He bickered about Obi-Wan’s impeccable timing.  
“I can’t really do anything else.” Anakin remarked. He pushed himself off of the cold floor, as his ankle had fallen asleep.  
Something slightly too common for his liking. His circulation wasn’t as strong; not with his well-being starting to fail.  
“I haven’t even seen you in the dining halls. You’ve at least been eating right?” Obi-Wan asked.  
Anakin turned his eyes back to his fresher. He had, but it wasn’t quite in an acceptable form.   
His horde of food was almost empty, as he had spent the last few days doing nothing but binging and purging; to cope with the inability to fight. In actuality Anakin had far too much in the past few days; far more than he wanted to even acknowledge.  
He just never kept it down.  
“Yeah. I’m eating.” Anakin said; his voice was clearly worn from acid, but he had no intention of letting that be known.  
“You sound sick again; do you need to go back to the med bay another time?” Obi-Wan asked.   
“I go back tomorrow anyway. Don’t get excited.” Anakin said. There was still a lingering bitter taste in his throat. It felt as if it was burning a hole through his throat.   
Anakin quickly ran back towards the fresher, so he could rinse the taste. His throat still burned, but it was now bearable.   
He caught a glimpse of himself in the mirror. He pulled at the half-done tunic he was wearing; revealing a lot of what he was both avoiding, and awaiting to see.   
An odd excitement came from the knowledge that he was dropping weight; logically it was the worst thing he could do in the Clone Wars. He was losing strength; which was going much faster than it should.   
There was something about it that had him coming back, over and over again. A bit of an illogical addiction to the way it felt - well, used to feel. He no longer felt the same highs; not as he used to. He was now desperately chasing the highs, so he could feel anything.  
Anakin looked towards his sunken skin; which had fallen around the bones on his chest. The ridges were tangible, and when he was stressed, he would run his hands across them.  
It calmed him.  
“There you are.” Obi-Wan said, startling Anakin.  
“Have you ever heard of knocking?” Anakin asked, sharply. He quickly wrapped his tunic around him.  
“You weren’t answering my calls. I thought I’d check in.” Obi-Wan said.  
“You could at least knock.” Anakin said, walking out of the fresher; still tying up the tunic.  
“Get dressed, we’ll go to the dining hall together. You should leave your quarters at some point.” Obi-Wan said. Anakin just sighed. He couldn’t really get out of it, even if the thought of food made him sick, as the taste of puke lingered.  
Anakin was used to dressing with Obi-Wan in the room, as he had shared many nights in close contact with not only Obi-Wan, but many of the Jedi.  
As long as his body was hidden with the first layers.  
The silence between leaving his quarters, and arriving at the dining hall was long and loud - ironic as it is.  
It spoke much louder than anything that was heard beside them.  
Anakin went to sit at a table; deciding to not follow Obi-Wan. He had no intentions of even looking at the food.  
Until some bowl with something warm was placed in front of him.   
“It’s soup. Eat.” Obi-Wan said, eyeing Anakin.  
“And if I don’t?” Anakin asked, snark back in his voice.  
“I’ll march you right back into the med bay myself.” Obi-Wan said, clearly not having any of Anakin’s jokes.  
“Alright, fine.” Anakin said, and he started to eat the soup. He found the taste to drown the remaining acid from the purging, but that was about the only thing that it seemed to help with. Eating this soon after a binge and purge was asking for another - or just an absolute sour mood.  
“Does the wound still hurt?” Obi-Wan asked, making small-talk. Anakin assumed it was a distraction.  
“Not really.” Anakin said, punctuating his words. He couldn’t lie - the soup had him feeling better. It wasn’t by a lot, but he felt a bit clearer in his head.  
“Then you’d be glad to know we’ve got another mission as soon as the patch comes off.” Obi-Wan said.   
“Yeah? What is it?” Anakin asked; his demeanor changing drastically.  
“Well, more of an aid mission to those on Christophsis. The battle drained much of what they have.” Obi-Wan said - aware it would disappoint Anakin.  
“Uh, yeah. Great.” Anakin said, trying to sound enthusiastic.  
“I know it’s not much, but we just had months of back to back missions on battlefields. You need a break.” Obi-Wan explained.  
“Like that’s what I need. A break.” Anakin scoffed, as he placed the spoon down, finishing the bowl that had been set in front of him.  
Obi-Wan simply sighed with relief as Anakin finished the food.  
“Will you go back to your quarters?” Obi-Wan asked. Anakin nodded - with no intention of going back. He had already left his quarters, and that meant he had to go find Padme - it was only fitting.  
“Yeah.” Anakin said, as he slinked away from the table, and started the journey to Padme’s apartment.   
He ended up rushing in when he did arrive, and it seemed to startle Padme.   
“You’re definitely angry about something.” She observed.  
“Obi-Wan’s just being difficult.” Anakin vented.  
“What did he do?” She asked, trying to be an outside eye.  
“I got injured, and he’s just; he’s not really left my side, or at least my comlink.” Anakin said, as he slumped into the couch.  
“Obi-Wan just cares; he’s worried Ani. That’s all.” She explained. Anakin could deduce that from the back of his head, but it still frustrated him. He hadn’t ever had someone care so much to ask his well-being.  
“I’m just not...It’s just exhausting.” Anakin said.  
“Then tell him that. You can have boundaries.” Padme suggested.  
“Oh, I never thought of that.” Anakin remarked, sarcasm in his voice.  
“I just-I just wanted to help-” Padme said, her voice dropped with a bit of a disappointment.  
“Oh, no, I meant; I was just venting. I didn’t mean that.” Anakin apologized quickly. He cursed himself for the statement.  
Padme sat beside him, placing her hand upon his.  
“How’s the injury?” She asked, changing the subject.  
“Fine. It comes off tomorrow.” Anakin said, his tough exterior returning.   
“Will you be fighting again?” She asked.  
“No, we’ve got to ship supplies to Christophsis.” Anakin said, clearly still pissed about it.  
“You’ll get more exciting missions soon. I promise you.” Padme said, as she placed her head on Anakin’s shoulder.  
“Yeah. I hope so.” Anakin said, his voice quieting.   
He felt safe around Padme. She wasn’t aware of what was happening. No one was. Everyone had their own theories. He knew that, but he was terrified of anyone finding the truth.


	5. Unraveling

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> No one lives in the dark

It had now been a month since the injury, and Anakin was back out on the battlefield - he knew his body was unable to keep up with the demands of the war.  
Yet he was unable to change.  
The one thing he could no longer hide from the outside was himself. His face was starting to show the drop in weight. His skin was much paler than it had been, and the tendons of his neck seemed to move with each turn of his head - visible above his collarbones.  
He was struggling, yet asking for help was the last thing he wanted to do.  
His mind had never been this silent.  
He hadn’t the energy to bother with his own thoughts.  
The current mission had Anakin, Rex, and a few troops running across Coruscant nightlife to find some rogue bounty hunter who had been supposedly spying on the Chancellor - which was just a weekly occurrence at this point.   
Rex was crouched beside Anakin near a vent, waiting for the suspect to walk out of said dive bar.  
“Are you sure he even went in?” Rex asked, clearly uncomfortable.  
“Yeah, I’m sure. There’s nothing else over there.” Anakin whispered back.   
“He better hurry up, my knees can’t take the crouching.” Rex complained.   
“I guess you’ll just have to deal. Unless you can find a better way in without being seen.” Anakin said, and Rex immediately started looking.   
There wasn’t much to see in the long darkness. The lights only illuminated signs, and small sections of street. Only figures walking in and out of the door. Each with a different silhouette.  
Rex’s eyes caught an open vent. Anakin shook his head.  
“No one fits through, Ahsoka isn’t with us.” Anakin said. His own knees starting to protest the squatting.  
“General, you could, uh, you’re...you could fit.” Rex pointed out, unsure of how to tell Anakin.   
“He’s right sir.” One of the other clones said. Anakin rolled his eyes, knowing it wasn’t true - but to appease them; he hopped to the vent, and sighed.  
Anakin was awfully surprised when he glided through with ease, and eventually caught himself on the other side, in one of the freshers in the bar.  
“Surprisingly, I’m in. I’ll follow him. Stay where you are.” Anakin said into his comlink. He heard a couple of frustrated groans from the troopers.  
He snuck into the main bar, keeping his distance from the target. His body functioning only through adrenaline, and the odd feeling of success that squeezing through a vent gave him.  
He snuck through some of the corners, and remained unseen, until he bumped into a particularly angry figure, and was immediately shoved into a brawl - which wasn’t uncommon.  
Anakin tried to keep from using his saber, as it would pull him from his cover, but the moment blasters were pulled - he quickly ignited it.  
“I’m in a situation. Rex, bring your men.” Anakin called into the comlink, as he dodged a few blasters and one rogue staff. His strength was waning a lot quicker - leaving him in many close calls, until the troops burst through the door, so they could try and calm the situation, just to make the arrest.  
Anakin pulling himself away from the situation, so he could breathe. His head was pounding, and he was uncomfortably dizzy - causing his movement to stumble.  
On top of some of the pain that came from being shoved around with a staff and four separate blasters shooting at him.   
“General Skywalker, we’ve got him.” Rex called over to Anakin. Four troops held a hooded creature tight, and led him out of the bar. Rex went to help Anakin, who was struggling to walk without support.  
There was a silence with the journey to the temple. Rex had to awkwardly transport a half-awake Anakin back to the temple, as the Jedi were to oversee the transfer of said spy to the prison.   
Upon arrival, Anakin stumbled out of the speeder. His head was still quite fuzzy, and with it, his legs almost unable to bear his weight. The fighting had taken such a toll on his already weakened body.  
“What happened to you?” Obi-Wan asked. He had come with the rest of those overseeing the arrest, but his concern shifted towards Anakin.  
“Got into a bit of a fight.” Anakin said.   
Of course you did,” Obi-Wan said, and helped Anakin out of the hangar bay. “Go and see the arrest. I’ll stay with Anakin for now.”   
The other Jedi nodded, taking the prisoner off - with three of the clones surrounding them.  
“I’m fine, really.” Anakin reassured Obi-Wan - with an obvious lie.  
“Of course you are. Still, you need to at least make sure you’re ok. It’s what the med bay is here for. I won’t have you avoiding it longer.” Obi-Wan said, as he put an arm around Anakin’s shoulders, as it was obvious that Anakin was struggling to walk on his own.  
Anakin stumbled, as he put his entire bodyweight onto his master’s shoulders - realizing that Obi-Wan was observant, and Anakin could sense his master’s concern.   
Anakin remained quiet. Sometimes, if left unspoken - Obi-Wan would forget his concerns.  
“How’d you get into a fight anyway? You were supposed to sneak in and out?” Obi-Wan asked, breaking silence.  
“I fell into a crowd.” Anakin said, embarrassed.  
“Of course you did.” Obi-Wan remarked.  
“Rex suggested I sneak into a vent, instead of the door.” Anakin excused himself.  
“And you fit?” Obi-Wan asked, surprised.  
“I uh. I guess yeah.” Anakin said - realizing he had given that away.  
The doors to the med bay opened, and the halls weren’t too crowded. Smaller wounds were being treated in the open space with the medical droids, and others waiting to be seen in smaller rooms.  
Obi-Wan sat Anakin down.  
“You can leave now.” Anakin said, pushing him away.  
“Anakin, you can’t really walk. I’ll be with you.” Obi-Wan said.  
Anakin groaned. It did get on his nerves when Obi-Wan cared too much. Pushing people away was Anakin’s specialty.  
“Great.” Anakin mumbled. He sat and picked at his nails - which was a strange anxiety habit. They only bled every once in a while.  
He was met with a medical droid, who was there to examine the damages. A simple scan was done, and then Anakin was met with concern.   
A healer was promptly called, and Obi-Wan helped Anakin into a different room.   
“Back so soon?” The healer asked.   
“It’s already been a month, for your information.” Anakin said, defending his clear faults with jokes.  
“So, you do have some heavy bruising, but nothing is broken. You’ll be limping for a bit. I’m not concerned.” The healer explained.  
“Great. I don’t need to take another break?” Anakin asked. The healer grew quiet.  
“Obi-Wan, would you leave the room for a few moments.” The healer asked, and with a concerning look, Obi-Wan walked out of the door.  
“What’s this about?” Anakin asked.  
“What concerned me never were the bruises. I’m concerned about your well-being. The scan indicated a lack of potassium in your blood, and a concerningly low blood pressure - which is recent.” The healer explained.  
Anakin kept his eyes to the ground. He wanted nothing to do with the information.   
“And I’m supposed to care?” Anakin asked, begrudgingly.  
“Too little potassium and your heart stops.” The healer said, with no held emotion.  
“And I fix it, how?” Anakin asked.  
“I can do an injection, but it’s only short term.” The healer said.  
“And what about long term?” Anakin asked.  
“That’s on you. You need to eat, and not just soup.” The healer explained, as they prepared the injection. Anakin just sighed as he pulled one of his gloves off - so he could expose his upper arm.  
“I’ll keep that in mind.” He said, wincing just in the slightest as the needle was shoved into his skin.   
“That should be it for now, except I do need to note that your current bodyweight is lower than it was last you were here. It’s dropped into more concerning numbers. Do come back if it gets worse.” The healer explained.  
Anakin felt a bit of a sick satisfaction. He had been so desperate for such a feeling.  
He felt he had accomplished something.  
Ignoring the advice, Anakin went to stand, and with the bruises still hurting - he walked out the door, wordless.  
Obi-Wan was back out in the bay - waiting for Anakin.  
“What was that all about?” Obi-Wan asked.  
“Nothing you need to know about.” Anakin said, as he walked past Obi-Wan; who knew now that something was running far deeper than first assumed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> idk if people like the story, but I really like writing it soo


	6. Through Large Glass Windows

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Obi-Wan is perceptive.

A few weeks ensued, and Anakin was ending up in the med bay after almost every mission - most of the injuries being treated by the droids, as they were minor, and Anakin was sent back to battle moments after with no questioning - at least not from the medical droids. He’d always be briefed with the same diagnosis - warning him of drops in his weight, or lack of whatever in his blood.  
Anakin didn’t care. He was reckless in all aspects of his life - whether it be his own well-being or crashing a ship.  
Ahsoka was the one who pointed it out first; how overly reckless he had become.  
Anakin found no desire to care.  
The most recent mission had Anakin coming back to the temple in one of the main Republic cruisers. His most recent battle was won only by sheer luck and Ahsoka pulling him from an encounter with Grievous. Shortly after, Anakin collapsed on the bridge of the ship - to his luck, only a few Clones spotted him, and moved him to the cruiser’s infirmary.  
He was only dehydrated.  
It didn’t stop Ahsoka from worrying.  
Anakin awoke with a pounding headache an hour after he had collapsed - an IV was in his one flesh forearm.  
“How’re you feeling?” Ahsoka asked.  
“Uh, I’m fine other than a headache, uh, what happened?” Anakin asked, completely confused about what had happened.  
“You collapsed on the bridge, after I saved you from Grievous.” Ahsoka said, proudly.  
“So, what’s with the needle in my arm?” Anakin asked - wanting desperately to rip it out. It wasn’t a comfortable thought, whatever was in the IV bag.  
“Well, you passed out from dehydration. It’s helping you get better.” Ahsoka explained.  
“Great. I want it out.” Anakin mumbled.  
“That’s probably not a good idea, master.” Ahsoka said, quietly.  
“Never said it was.” Anakin defended himself.  
He couldn’t lie. It was terrifying. This was going to get back to the council at some point. He would have to spend months with the healers, and none of it would do anything - just more trauma.  
“We’re on our way back to the temple now, so you can get looked at properly.” Ahsoka explained. Anakin shot up.  
“Uh no. I said I was fine.” Anakin said.  
“Clearly you’re not. I asked Obi-Wan-” She said, and noticed Anakin’s death glare. She swore his eyes burned holes into her own skin. “About...What I uh, should...do.” She trailed off.  
“You just had to tell Obi-Wan? Out of everyone you could’ve told? Great.” Anakin griped.  
“What else was I supposed to do?” Ahsoka asked, exasperated.  
“Keep quiet. I would’ve been fine.” Anakin said, anger still scraping his words.  
“And what if it was worse? I’m not letting you die over something that stupid.” Ahsoka said - her own voice raising.  
“I wouldn’t have died.” Anakin said.  
“But you could’ve.” Ahsoka interjected.  
“But I didn’t.” Anakin pointed out. The usual banter wasn’t enough to keep him from feeling betrayed. In his logical brain - he knew that she did the right thing; it was just the one thing he had dreaded every waking moment.  
“What did you tell Obi-Wan?” Anakin asked, hoping to figure out what to expect when he got back to the temple.  
“I just told him you had passed out, and what I should do.” Ahsoka explained.  
“Did you say why?” Anakin asked; hoping he could make up an arbitrary excuse.  
“No, we didn’t know yet.” Ahsoka explained; much to Anakin’s relief. He could excuse it with exhaustion.  
“Great,” Anakin mumbled. He laid back down on the pillow of the bed. “Do you know how much longer I’m stuck here?” Anakin asked.  
“A few more hours until we get out of hyperspace.” Ahsoka said.  
“And when can I get up?” Anakin asked.  
“When we land.” Ahsoka said. Anakin’s shoulders dropped.  
“Who said that?” Anakin asked, desperate for a different answer.  
“The uh med droid did, master.” Ahsoka explained, and Anakin just audibly groaned.  
Ahsoka’s comlink beeped.  
“That’s Obi-Wan isn’t it?” Anakin asked, his heart rate picking up again.  
“Uh yes.” Ahsoka said.  
“And it’s a hologram isn’t it?” Anakin asked; his anxiety beginning to fester.  
“Yes.” Ahsoka said.  
“And you’re going to answer it here, huh.” Anakin said; trying to use his voice to nudge her into the hall - yet knowing she wasn’t going. Anakin braced himself, as Ahsoka pressed the button.  
“Obi-Wan.” Ahsoka greeted.  
“Oh, he’s awake.” Obi-Wan noticed.  
“Yeah, thanks for the concern, but I’m fine.” Anakin said, trying to hide the needle in his forearm.  
“Of course, but that doesn’t explain why you passed out, now does it?” Obi-Wan asked, rhetorically.  
“I was tired, ok. We ran into Grievous.” Anakin explained.  
“And Ahsoka had to save you. I’ve heard the story.” Obi-Wan said, his tone of voice lightening, but his expression fell right back to concern after he had finished speaking.  
“Grievous had the upper hand, well, uh...hands.” Anakin said, excusing himself.  
“Am I still taking him to the med bay when we land?” Ahsoka asked.  
“That’s not necessary. I’m clearly awake.” Anakin called.  
“We still don’t know why you passed out. It could be serious.” Obi-Wan lectured.  
“We do, now, actually-” Ahsoka said. Anakin shot her a second death glare, as she spoke.  
“It’s not really important.” Anakin cut her off.  
“It is, Anakin. Now, what was the cause?” Obi-Wan asked.  
“Dehydration is what I was told,” Ahsoka explained. “Not to worry. They’re treating it onboard.” She pointed out.  
“At least it wasn’t that serious.” Obi-Wan said, relieved.  
“So I don’t need to go to the med bay?” Anakin asked, hopefully.  
“Oh you’re still going. There’s only so much a medical droid can detect.” Obi-Wan said.  
“We’ll be there in a few hours. I’ll call you again then.” Ahsoka said, and turned the call off. She noticed Anakin laying on his pillow - his face even paler than it had been for some reason.  
“You just had to say it huh?” Anakin said; trying to hide his ridiculous amount of anxiety.  
“What else was I supposed to say?” Ahsoka asked.  
“You could’ve just said I was fine.” Anakin said.  
“He would’ve still taken you to the med bay, what do you have against it?” Ahsoka asked.  
“I just don’t like it.” Anakin said.  
Time passed. Ahsoka went back to the bridge, and some of the clones checked back on Anakin throughout the hours. Rex spent a bit more time, as Anakin reassured him that he would be fine far too many times. By the final hour; the IV needle was extracted from his arm, and the pounding headache had finally gone away.  
Anakin felt almost disgusting. He knew he was thin, logically. It was visible even through the layers of robes now.  
It didn’t stop him from absolutely hating himself at the current moment.  
He got up immediately after the IV was extracted, and walked back to the bridge.  
“You’re up.” Ahsoka observed.  
“Yeah, we’re uh, out of hyperspace.” Anakin said.  
“Oh, we’ll be landing in a bit.” Ahsoka explained. Anakin sighed. He was again, terrified. The concept of even having to be seen so critically, and then with more blood scans being performed.  
The healers were good at keeping privacy. Obi-Wan didn’t know about the potassium shot, nor any other recent visits.  
That fact made it no less unpleasant.  
Landing had Anakin pacing in the halls - trying to calm himself enough to face Obi-Wan.  
The doors opened, and the crew all walked out.  
“Well, you’re up and around.” Obi-Wan observed, as Anakin walked out.  
“Have been for a while.” Anakin pointed out. He started towards the opposite direction of the med bay - hoping Obi-Wan had forgotten about his promise.  
“And where do you think you’re going? I still want you seen.” Obi-Wan said. Anakin rolled his eyes and turned around.  
“I was already treated. I don’t need more.” Anakin said, as Obi-Wan took his place beside Anakin.  
“Med droids only pick up so much, besides, you need to learn to take better care of yourself.” Obi-Wan said.  
“What do you mean? I take great care.” Anakin said, half jokingly. He was excruciatingly aware of his awful self-care, well, his lack thereof.  
“And getting so bad that you collapse? You’re clearly the poster of self-care.” Obi-Wan joked, as they walked back into the med bay. Obi-Wan insisted on staying by Anakin as the second med droid of the day scanned him. Anakin just waiting - his foot tapping anxiously.  
Nothing came up on the scanner than needed more attention. Anakin was told his usual numbers. Forgetting Obi-Wan was there, as his anxiety had him in tunnel vision. He was half listening to the droid.  
“80/40. 52 beats per minute. 97.8 degrees. 133 pounds. Oxygen levels normal.” The droid stated, as per usual protocol.  
It didn’t bother Anakin, until he realized that Obi-Wan had heard everything. Anakin felt Obi-Wan’s concern rise, and the feeling was followed with one of Obi-Wan’s familiar faces of concern, deep concern. One that Anakin recognized a little too well.  
Nothing was inherently wrong, as the IV fluids from earlier had replenished some of Anakin’s deficiencies.  
“There’s nothing that needs further care. You are free to go.” The droid said, and Anakin got up quickly, walking two steps ahead of Obi-Wan trying to get away from an inevitable conversation. He was angry. He felt angry. He had let Obi-Wan get too close. He could’ve done it alone.  
He was stupid.  
He was horrendously stupid. He had let Obi-Wan in, and they’d try and stop him. They’d take everything away from him; anything that made him feel something.  
Anakin felt tears stinging his eyes. These weren’t sad, nor angry tears. These were everything that he kept shoving down with his habits.  
Every moment he’d spent in the fresher with his head in the toilet bowl, every moment spent starving himself , and every person he’d pushed away to keep it hidden.  
“Anakin, wait,” Obi-Wan called behind Anakin. “Stop.” Obi-Wan called, sternly. Anakin stopped, turning towards his master, yet his eyes looking past Obi-Wan’s; he was unable to meet his master’s.  
“I don't want to talk about it.” Anakin said, his fists clenched to prepare for the worst.  
“I'm not mad; I'm just...I'm worried.” Obi-Wan explained. Anakin’s face started to redden.  
He was stupid. Impulsive.  
“You heard them didn’t you? The numbers.” Anakin asked, his voice lowering, remaining vague on purpose, hoping Obi-Wan had overheard only a couple numbers, and not his whole panel.  
Obi-Wan walked closer towards Anakin, who then took another step back in defense. His own head was running with thousands of thoughts and much of the anxiety that he had been ignoring.  
“Anakin, I...Come, let’s find a quieter spot.” Obi-Wan said, easing himself towards Anakin, who was now far too exhausted to try and run again.  
They walked towards the large temple windows, away from those walking in the halls.  
“I’m uh, sorry for this.” Anakin said, his voice breaking.  
“Sorry for what? Anakin, you’ve got nothing to apologize for.” Obi-Wan said, calmly.  
“You’re not angry?” Anakin asked, quietly. His heart still fluttering.  
“No, why would I need to be?” Obi-Wan asked.  
“I just-I…” Anakin started. He wasn’t sure what to say, nor did he have anything to say.  
“Anakin, I’m just trying to help. You wouldn’t talk to me, so I just made sure you remained as healthy as is possible with whatever you’ve been hiding from me.” Obi-Wan said. Anakin quickly lost contact with Obi-Wan’s eyes.  
“You uh, knew?” Anakin asked, defeated.  
“I knew something was up, and I still don’t know exactly what. If you’d want to explain it to me?” Obi-Wan asked.  
“I don’t know how.” Anakin said, unable to even fathom mentioning what he did without being vague. Obi-Wan placed a calm hand on Anakin’s shoulder- which was unexpectedly boney to the touch.  
“You’re really bad at this, Anakin. You’re not eating, not really, are you?” Obi-Wan asked, trying to keep the situation light.  
“Uh yeah.” Anakin said, hoping that was all Obi-Wan had noticed.  
“It’s why you’re this slight, and why you’ve had such trouble keeping up, right?” Obi-Wan said.  
“You’re observant.” Anakin said, quietly.  
“It just became painfully obvious, how long have you been doing this anyway?” Obi-Wan asked.  
“It sort of started when my mother died. It’s gotten worse throughout the Clone Wars.” Anakin explained.  
“Have you ever tried to stop it?” Obi-Wan asked.  
“I don’t want to.” Anakin told him, quietly.  
“Why not? All it brings is your own destruction.” Obi-Wan asked, clearly saddened by the response of his own padawan.  
“It sounds kind of dumb, well, moronic really, but it feels good, and I guess, it’s a feeling I got addicted to.” Anakin explained.  
“Is there anything I can do to help, even if it means that I just keep taking you to the med bay and breakfast?” Obi-Wan asked.  
“Thank you for that, uh, can you not tell anyone. If others knew it’d just make it worse, especially Ahsoka. I can’t drag her into it more than I have.” Anakin said. He was tired, and the conversation made it worse.  
“I’ll keep it between us and the healers if need be.” Obi-Wan promised.  
“Thank you.” Anakin said, his heart dropping back into normal rhythm. The anxiety had started to calm,.  
“Only if you’ll come to dinner tonight. Your day’s been long, and it’s only fitting.” Obi-Wan said, a smirk across his face.  
Anakin rolled his eyes, but walked behind Obi-Wan. His fingers still shaking.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I'm super into this, currently.  
> Thank u for reading.


	7. A Long Hauled Guilt

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Anakin isn't quite able to process the feelings of others

Obi-Wan did as promised. He’d make sure Anakin ate breakfast, and he’d force Anakin to the med bay if something was up, even if it was just a simple injury. It wasn’t bad at first. Anakin was still able to keep with his habits, and keep them away from Obi-Wan, as simply not eating was no longer a problem.  
The sustained hunger was a problem, and one that seemed to just grow worse with time. The small habits of binging and purging -they grew worse. He’d only do it throughout the dead of night - to keep himself secret.  
This was something he was ashamed of - but letting Obi-Wan know? Anakin couldn’t even fathom that conversation, nor how anyone could help him. He was far better off keeping this a closely guarded secret.   
He wouldn’t be so careless this time.  
He was back on another Republic cruiser, this time Obi-Wan was with him, and Ahsoka was on a separate mission.  
The two jedi were on their way to aid troops on the grounds of Felucia.  
Anakin’s comlink ran, as he kept in his quarters.  
“It’s time to board our transport.” Obi-Wan said. Anakin sighed, getting up from the bed. He was tired - and it didn’t help that he hadn’t slept at all the night before.  
“On my way.” Anakin said. He walked through the long hallways. His legs felt heavy with each step - which wasn’t a feeling he enjoyed.  
Quite the opposite.  
“Good morning to you too.” Obi-Wan said, as the clearly sleep-deprived Anakin walked through the hangar doors.  
Anakin wordlessly boarded alongside Obi-Wan.  
The state of his apprentice was nothing out of the ordinary - but with the knowledge Obi-Wan had; he was still worried.  
“You didn’t sleep, did you?” Obi-Wan observed.  
“I don't think that’s unusual.” Anakin remarked.  
Thought you said you’d try and actually and take care of yourself?” Obi-Wan pointed out.  
“The key word is try.” Anakin said.  
Obi-Wan just sighed as they landed on the planet’s surface - launching themselves straight into the battlefield.   
Anakin was swept off his feet immediately, as he was ill-prepared to fight - but he was able to fight back using the instincts he had from the force.  
He was in no condition to fight, but that wasn’t really an option.   
With each passing moment, as he dodged and reflected the blasts from droids; Anakin couldn’t quite connect his own movements with his body.  
It was a strange feeling.   
His body no longer felt like his own.  
“Anakin, get into that door - set your charges. Kenobi will follow you.” Rex called from Anakin’s right shoulder. Anakin looked towards the waning opening in the door.  
“I don’t think it’ll work.” Anakin called, launching himself into the opening. He rolled a couple times before landing on the cold metal floor.   
“I uh, made it in. Charges setting.” Anakin said, as he strategically placed them upon the walls.  
“Good, now get out, quickly.” Rex said, and Anakin looked quickly - trying to find some form of exit.  
“I uh, not gonna be as easy as it looks.” Anakin said, preparing to plunge his lightsaber into the door. He had to push with much more force than was normal - winding himself as he climbed through the thick door.   
“Detonating now.” Anakin said, pushing the button on his gauntlet, and leaping back to avoid the blast.  
The rest of the battle wasn’t easy, but it was standard. Anakin leaped his usual route of unplanned paths, while Obi-Wan remained strategic.   
“One more base, and we can get out of here.” Obi-Wan said, as Anakin leapt past him.  
“And I assume you’re asking me.” Anakin said, sarcasm present.  
“Well, yes. If you would, I don’t think others can get through such a door.” Obi-Wan called. Anakin rolled his eyes, and leapt away from the crowd of action; slashing through the droids that guarded the second door. The door only open enough to fit his slight frame. He hastily set the charges.  
The silence brought attention to his exhaustion.  
Anakin shook it off. His habits brought moments of weakness. Worsening weakness, but a weakness he had to ignore - even if it started to blur his vision.  
“Alright, charges set. I’ll be leaving now.” Anakin said into his comlink, and he cut another hole into the door.  
He leapt back towards the clones - but his aim remained horrid; landing him near a group of battle droids - whom he immediately cut down with his saber, and then hopped to join the group who awaited their transport.  
“The only thing left are those droids, can we delay the ship?” Obi-Wan asked.  
“Just a few minutes sir.” Rex called.  
“Anakin, can you set a few more near those droids?” Obi-Wan asked - Anakin leaping up almost immediately.  
He placed a couple along the feet of the droids - the many crowds of them.  
“We’ll get you in just a second, don’t press the charges until you’re on the ship.” Obi-Wan said, through the comlink.  
Anakin stood - his vision blurring the landscape with his surroundings. He heard voices, but his ears rung much louder than the battlefield. He swore his limbs had gone numb, and with the feeling almost gone - he felt a strong hand lift him by the ribs. Anakin woke up almost immediately. He leapt back onto the transport, and the doors closed.  
“Are you ok, general?” Rex asked. Anakin grabbed onto on of the walls - trying to keep his balance.  
“Uh, yeah. Just lost my balance for a few moments.” Anakin lied - Obi-Wan’s eyes clearly burning into Anakin’s.  
Anakin could tell that Obi-Wan knew what had happened - the situation was just on backburner.  
His heart sunk.  
He knew how it hurt his master, and even his padawan. He caused mostly all of the pain to those around him.  
Anakin blamed himself. He was at fault for everything he caused to those around him.  
He felt as if he deserved nothing - nor was worthy of any help. He’d find a way to screw it up, just as he screwed everything up.   
Anakin placed his head upon the transport wall - trying to catch his breath. Obi-Wan found his way beside him, and handed him a food capsule.  
“You’ll feel better.” Obi-Wan whispered. Anakin took the capsule with no intention of eating it. He kept his gaze forward.  
“I’ll be fine.” Anakin reassured. He noticed the concerned gaze return to Obi-Wan’s eyes, as he slinked away; watching Anakin pocket the capsule.  
Anakin felt such guilt. He was hurting his master just as much as himself.  
It was only an hour before they landed back into the Republic cruiser.   
Anakin walked off into the bay with the rest of his crew - his footsteps heavy, and oddly shaky. He ignored any of the eyes upon him.  
“Anakin, will you see the healers?” Obi-Wan asked, turning towards Anakin - who kept his head down, but slowed his steps.   
“I’m fine.” Anakin said. Showing no interest in the conversation.  
“You nearly passed out amidst hundreds of battle droids; you should at least be seen.” Obi-Wan said.   
A rage filled Anakin’s body. His hands formed into fists, his nails dug into the palm of his hand. He hoped it would just bleed.  
“I said I was fine,” Anakin said, his pace quickening as he started towards his quarters. Obi-Wan followed. Anakin grew much angrier with each step he heard. “Leave me alone.” Anakin yelled back towards Obi-Wan, anger consuming him.  
He regretted it immediately - watching Obi-Wan retreat in fear; it hurt him, deeply/  
“Anakin, I’m just looking out for-” Obi-Wan said, trying to remain calm.  
“Then stop.” Anakin said, distancing himself further from his master.  
“It’ll kill you.” Obi-Wan said.  
“I know.” Anakin rebuttaled as he walked away.  
He could sense his master’s defeat. There was a great deal of sadness that pooled in the room.  
Anakin had hurt Obi-Wan, and he had hurt him deeply.  
He had to punish himself for it.   
Anakin pulled from his food stash.  
He used the same few habits to self-soothe and self-sabotage.  
He consumed what he found in the corner of his fresher.  
The intensity of his habits were dependent on emotion.  
Anakin quickly, without hesitation stood over the toilet and shoved his middle finger down his throat - the food coming up again, as if he had never consumed it.  
He wanted only to damage his body more with it.  
Anakin was terrified of Obi-Wan bursting through his doors.  
But he couldn’t care who saw it.  
He needed to break himself for hurting those around him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it's not wonderful - but it leads to something else.  
> If you like it, leave a comment - it's currently not doing wonderful


	8. In a Constant State of Change

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things begin to shift.

Anakin had finally been given some time off. He wasn’t sure whether he liked the concept, or it terrified him.   
The longer he spent away from battle - the worse his habits would become. He had nothing to distract himself from his thoughts.   
They were loud. They screamed at him; they kept screaming at him.   
The thoughts haunting him with voices of people he felt he had let die.   
This was not uncommon. These were a part of his day-to-day thoughts.   
Concerning were his recent additions.   
Anakin had been taught to disregard his body, but suddenly he felt an urge to keep pushing to be smaller. He had never dealt with self hatred in this way. It was assumedly a new part of his habits.   
These thoughts weren’t easy to appease. Anakin was now actively desperate to get smaller.   
It was far more dangerous.  
Anakin had learned from late night research on the Holonet - he knew that to get away with losing such weight; he needed to eat. He just had to keep it under a certain number - which had him eating more, and willingly.  
The hunger that had him binging and purging - it was lessened, but only to an extent. It was still a common occurrence on hard nights.  
The only difference was that he ate.  
He just made sure it was strategically calculated.  
Anakin was in the dining hall, eating one of the few calculated meals. He was one to choose quiet corners, avoiding the bustling sounds of Jedi, clones, and other temple workers - who would discuss matters that Anakin found no interest in.   
His interests had shifted with the addiction.   
He was consuming one of the only foods he deemed safe - which was a soup, containing vegetables and some form of unidentifiable protein - when Ahsoka sat beside him.   
“Never thought I’d see you here.” Ahsoka pointed out, jokingly.  
“Yeah, uh.” Anakin said, not sure how to respond. Ahsoka took the silence as a cue to remain quiet. Anakin sensed her questioning. She was worried, deeply so.  
He couldn’t care.   
He felt awful for the inability to care.  
Anakin did find a comfort in his padawan being beside him - even if no words were spoken.  
He finished the food in silence, and left the table as quickly as he had come in. He was ashamed of being seen eating, as if it was some shameful action.  
Anakin was falling, and far faster than he could anticipate.  
He escaped off to Padme’s, desiring no contact with those in the temple.  
“Didn’t think you’d show up.” She told him.  
“I don’t think I’ve ever missed a date.” Anakin said, sarcasm in his voice - to which Padme just eyed him.  
“How long until your next assignment?” Padme asked.   
“We were given a week, but the briefings already started.” Anakin said, as he sat back upon the curved couch.  
“You don’t really get breaks anymore, do you?” Padme asked.  
“The war runs rampant; I don’t think any break is necessarily the greatest idea.” Anakin said, observing Padme as she sat beside him.  
“You’re tired, aren’t you? Of fighting?” Padme asked - her head falling into her husband’s chest.   
Anakin was thankful for the many layers of robes he wore for warmth. They hid most anything that would give him up.  
“Not of the fighting. I’m tired of losing those around me. I can’t do anything to stop it, no matter how hard I try.” Anakin said. His eyes looking to the large open windows.  
“It’s part of war, Ani, but I know. I understand how much it hurts.” Padme reassured him.   
There was a mutual silence between them. Padme’s hand lay atop Anakin’s as she fought to intertwine their fingers.   
“I miss you. You know.” Anakin said, his voice quiet.   
“I do too, but that’s what makes these moments so much better.” Padme reassures him.  
“I wish it didn’t have to be like this...the secrecy you know? I hate the lies.” Anakin said.   
“I know. I hope it can change, but that’s for another time. When the Clone Wars are over.” Padme said. Her undone hair rests upon Anakin’s forearm - with the weight of her head in on his elbow.  
Unsure of how it was comfortable, he inhales.  
“I just want it to be over.” Anakin said, his tone changing to something far more subdued.  
“The war? I do, as well. It’s ripping everything away.” Padme said, sympathizing. She brushed an unruly lock from Anakin’s forehead - which in return shed a few too many strands of hair.   
Anakin clocked it up to stress - but he knew it ran deeper. Another symptom of everything he was doing.   
His failing health grew more obvious to those on the outside with each passing day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Didn't realize how close this became to my own timeline - uhh  
> eh  
> hello, this has became a story i'm writing for myself, and will eventually update the others


	9. A Long Winded Way of Saying Goodbye

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Anakin explains some stuff.

There was something about the odd repetition of hyperspace; Anakin found that watching it to be calming. He stood upon the bridge, as the supposed night had the cruiser with only a single clone flying - well, the ship was on autopilot while the clone slept in the cockpit.  
It was a safe, and probably a better option.   
The calm that was felt; Anakin knew it was limited, and by the time morning supposedly arrived - he’d be fighting his way through Separtist airspace, and onto the surface of Florrum.  
There was something that felt so horribly wrong about Anakin’s lies to those around him.   
He was able to convince anyone that he was fine. He hadn’t spent enough time in the med bay for anything to be noticed.   
Anakin felt invincible, well, almost.  
There were seeping moments of weakness.  
Anakin had just slowed the damage he was doing, but it showed no signs of stopping.  
“Master?” Ahsoka asked, quietly. Anakin spooked, and turned towards her.  
“What’re you doing up? It’s late.” Anakin pointed out.  
“Could ask you the same thing. I can’t sleep, I’m a little worried about the mission.” Ahsoka said, timidly.  
“It’ll be fine. It’s just a simple battle. We’ll be through the blockade with no problems.” Anakin reassured her.  
“I just, I have a bad feeling about it.” Ahsoka said, walking closer.  
“I take it you’re nervous - trust me, you’ll be fine.” Anakin reassured her.  
“I know. It’s...I’m more worried about you.” Ahsoka said, her voice soft.  
Anakin looked toward his padawan. His eyes widening with the drop in her energy. There was something so heartbreaking about the way she spoke.   
“Why?” Anakin asked, curious. He turned towards Ahsoka.  
“I just. I don’t know. I’ve been worried for a while.” She said - her words dropping off at the end. Anakin calmly smiled. He wanted to tell her everything, especially as her worries had started to cloud her thoughts. Anakin trusted Ahsoka, but only with certain aspects of the information.  
“Hey, let’s take a walk.” Anakin said, as he walked to her side.   
“Uh, where master? There’s not a lot to see.” She asked, trying to keep up with Anakin’s longer strides, as the two were quite different in height.  
“Around. It’s quiet.” Anakin said.   
He had sworn to keep Ahsoka in the dark, but her questions had grown too close to home. He felt worse keeping her in the dark.  
“I mean-” Ahsoka said, before Anakin placed an arm around her, so she could keep up with his steps, and in a way, comfort her.  
“So, I’ve, well, been keeping you in the dark about something.” Anakin said. He could feel his heart begin to beat much quicker. He wasn’t one to open up, so this would be an awfully awkward conversation - especially for himself.  
“I know, Master.” Ahsoka said.  
“You know?” Anakin asked, shocked.  
“I mean, I knew something was up - just not exactly what. Obi-Wan wouldn’t tell me the details.” Ahsoka said.  
“You asked-” Anakin asked.  
“It was after you passed out on the cruiser. I was just...scared.” Ahsoka explained. Anakin inhaled, keeping calm. Logically it was what she should’ve done.   
He had just been so desperate to keep it hidden.  
“I think it’s time I explain, even if I don’t know all of it.” Anakin said. His eyes looking down, terrified of his padawan’s.  
“I can feel you’re uneasy. It’s ok, master. You’re too worried about being ‘perfect’ around me. It’s nice to see you open.” Ahsoka reassured him. Anakin’s eyes remained on the floor. He had underestimated his padawan. She understood much more than he originally assumed.   
“Right, thanks, so snips,” Anakin said, trying to hold off the words he feared to speak. “I’m sick, but not like sick, if you understand.” Anakin tried to explain. He had never been great about voicing his vulnerability - especially when he was still with Qui-Gon, which had then passed to Obi-Wan, who had spent most of Anakin’s teenage years trying to get him to open up.  
Anakin was never really able to be vulnerable - not around anyone but Padme.  
“It’s something deeper isn’t it? I sometimes feel the pain when you’re close.” Ahsoka said.  
“Uh, yeah, first off sorry about that. Second, yeah, it’s something more mental, not really physical.” Anakin explained - still unsure of how to word it.  
“You’re really good at this aren’t you? You’ll feel better if you’re honest.” Ahsoka said, her voice calm - in a way it was to let Anakin know he was safe.  
Anakin inhaled.  
“I, uh, I have issues with food.” Anakin said, quickly. His face reddened immediately after.   
“Was that so hard?” She asked. Anakin remained silent for a bit, processing his own words.  
The energy between them had calmed back down. Anakin was relieved with Ahsoka’s reaction; he felt safe.  
“I uh. You took that a lot better than I was expecting.” Anakin remarked.  
“I’m not really surprised with your medical track record.” She said.  
“Uh, right.” Anakin said, unable to keep the conversation going. He had prepared for an entirely different scenario - and lost any motivation to keep speaking. Ahsoka wasn’t finished. She was interested. She wanted to know more.   
“Do you want to talk about it? It might help get some of the weight off of your chest.” Ahsoka asked, much to Anakin’s surprise.  
“I don’t really-.” Anakin said - his words stale. He started to regret telling his padawan.  
“I want to help, you’re my master. I do care about you, you know?” Ahsoka explained, eagerly.  
“I know you do, but I won’t drag you into this. Seeing Obi-Wan’s eyes everytime I’m around him. It...it’s painful enough.” Anakin said.   
It was true. Obi-Wan would look so horridly sad everytime Anakin met his eyes - it had started after the first moments - when Obi-Wan had asked Anakin about it.  
“He’s just worried. Rex, Kix, and the other clones - they’re worried too. We all are.” Ahsoka said.  
“Well, that’s kind of unnerving.” Anakin complained.  
“You know, you don’t need to push everyone away?” Ahsoka pointed out.  
“I don’t-” Anakin started, but he noticed Ahsoka’s expression changing - she withdrew her eager self.   
“You’re doing it now.” Ahsoka pointed out.  
“I know. I’m just...it’s a hard habit to break.” Anakin confessed, Ahsoka placed her own hand on Anakin’s - as a gesture of understanding, and to let him know that he was safe.  
“Have you even talked to him? How did Obi-Wan even find out?” Ahsoka asked - pressing on in her questioning of Anakin, and his closely guarded habits.  
“I-I’ve been trying to avoid him, ever since I had a small fight with him, after Felucia. I don’t really know what to say, as much as I want to talk to him.” Anakin explained - his voice still shaking. He looked back up from the floor, and was immediately met with Ahsoka’s striking blue eyes. They were sad; just like Obi-Wan’s, but they contained much more hope - she was eager to learn about Anakin, with Anakin, and she was just as eager to help.   
“What even happened? When he asked you?” Ahsoka asked, re-wording a previous question, so Anakin would answer - instead of avoiding it.  
“We were in the med bay after I had collapsed the first time, and uh- it’s kind of...it feels dumb. He found out through my vitals...Out of all things. ” Anakin said, quietly.  
“Vitals? How’d that happen?” Ahsoka asked, curiously.   
“Obi-Wan overheard my vitals scan, and I guess it concerned him enough.” Anakin said, unsure of how else to word it.  
“Wait, but it’s not physical?” Ahsoka asked.  
“Until your master looks at you like you may die tomorrow.” Anakin said, remembering the heartbreaking look on Obi-Wan’s face.  
“Wait, is it really that low? How much?” Ahsoka asked out of surprise - or shock. Anakin couldn’t tell.   
“I uh. I open up about something deep, and you’re asking about my weight?” Anakin asked, trying to lighten the atmosphere - which had grown far too heavy. He looked to the floor again. The last time he had gone to the healers - it was lower. Anakin couldn’t lie - he was proud of the number presented. Everything he was doing was finally expressed outward.  
It was also embarrassing - every clone pointing out that Anakin was thin. Sometimes he’d forget that being painfully thin wasn’t the goal of anyone around him.  
He wasn’t even sure when it became something he wanted.  
“Well uh...It might help you open up? If you put it out in the open.” Ahsoka said, trying to save her skin.   
Anakin took a sharp inhale.  
“It was uh, 133 when Obi-Wan found out. I uh...I’m 126 as of the last visit to the healers...” Anakin trailed off. Terrified of his numbers being out, but also relieved - it was another way to be open - even if it was unconventional.  
“You’re kidding-” Ahsoka cut off. She was clearly concerned. “I can see how Obi-Wan would worry - that’s concerningly low.” She said.  
“Apparently so, as I’ve been made aware.” Anakin said.  
“Why don’t you get help? I’m sure the healers could-” Ahsoka suggested. Anakin flashed an angry look - before his face grew somber. He sighed.  
“I’m sorry, but I can’t.” Anakin said. He could feel something tugging through the force. He looked toward his Padawan, who looked so horribly sad now - completely different from the moments prior.  
“Why not? Do you not see how dangerous this is?.” Ahsoka asked. Anakin could feel the pain in her voice - how he was the reason for the pain.  
Anakin felt such horrid guilt. He knew how damaging it was. He was terrified of what he was doing to himself, but he couldn’t fathom actually stopping - every time he had tried, it had backfired.  
He fell down even further.  
“I do, and I’m sorry, but it’s just not in my best interest right now.” Anakin said, closing any form of debate. Ahsoka’s shoulders slumped - her force energy grew withdrawn. Her eyes couldn’t find Anakin’s, as she was actively avoiding them.  
“I- I don’t have anything to say. I’m going back to sleep.” Ahsoka said, quietly. She fled back to her quarters, leaving Anakin standing in the dark hallway. He looked to the floor, a tear slid across his sunken cheek.  
He had ruined their relationship. He could feel Ahsoka’s frustration with him - she had only asked because she cared about him.   
He knew this was capable of killing him, and he had told his padawan that he couldn’t care.  
Anakin was nothing but angry with himself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ah, yeah, still going for this - uh  
> idk it's kind of fun


	10. The Fallen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Anakin quite overestimates himself.

A smooth breaching of the Separtist fleet had Anakin barreling down in his fighter - which wasn’t uncommon. Anakin was just making sure he could land as smoothly as possible.  
“Master, don’t you dare do what I think you’re doing.” Ahsoka said through the comlink, angrily. Anakin just grinned.  
“Relax snips, I’ll be fine. It’s all part of the plan.” Anakin said, aiming his ship towards the desert planet.  
“You never told me about this plan.” Ahsoka retorted.  
“Plans may have changed, follow my fighter.” Anakin said, bracing for a tough landing.   
With a large thud, Anakin had landed - his fighter partly in flames - again.  
“Skywalker, you there?” Rex asked, through the comlink.  
“I’m still in one piece, but my fighter is a different story.” Anakin said, as he watched Ahsoka land beside his destroyed fighter. She got out with haste.  
“Will you ever stop being so reckless?” She asked, frustrated now, more than angry - as common as it was.  
“I got us onto the surface, didn’t I? I also took down half of the fleet; if you hadn’t noticed.” Anakin pointed out.  
“And you could’ve died...again.” Ahsoka said, as she walked closer.  
“But I didn’t.” Anakin said, looking about the surroundings.  
He was dizzy - especially with the crash. Adrenaline and the force only helped him for so long, and it was starting to wear off.  
“So, what’s your plan anyway?” Ahsoka asked.  
“The information we need is on that base.” Anakin said, as he started to trudge through the sand.  
“And we’re walking?” Ahsoka asked.  
“Don’t really have a choice, now do we?” Anakin observed.  
Ahsoka rolled her eyes, and motioned for Rex and the few clones to follow them.  
“General, are we sure this is the best idea?” Rex asked; trudging far behind Anakin.  
“We came here for the transmission, didn’t we?” Anakin pointed out.  
“Of course.” Rex said, disappointedly.  
As Anakin got closer to the base - he noticed the dizziness growing far worse - his head ached, and his surroundings were spinning.  
Anakin fell to a nearby rock, and caught himself.  
“Are you ok, sir?” Rex asked. Anakin quickly stood up, trying to walk it off.  
“Yeah, it’s just the heat.” Anakin explained.   
“Master, you need to rest. Five minutes, get some water.” Ahsoka said, putting her own foot down.  
“I think Ahsoka’s right, sir.” Rex said.  
I’ll be fine, the faster we get out of this sand, the better.” Anakin said, as he trudged through the calf-deep sand.  
Anakin fell back into the sand, his knee catching the ground.  
Ahsoka ran towards him, and handed him a ration. Her eyes wide with worry.  
“We don’t move on until you eat it.” Ahsoka said, placing herself in front of Anakin.  
He looked up, defeated, and took the ration. Ahsoka knelt beside him, as he ate it; she had a hand on his shoulder to give him a sense of comfort.   
Anakin, as frustrating as it was; he was thankful for Ahsoka. He had felt such guilt from the night prior.  
“We should keep moving - reinforcements could arrive at any moment.” Anakin said, after he choked down the ration.  
“Are you sure, sir?” Rex asked.  
“We’ll be safer.” Anakin said, and he kept walking.  
Ahsoka kept by his side - in case he fell again.  
The journey from the crash site to the base took a single, excruciating hour. Anakin’s head was pounding as he walked into the dark base.  
“The transmission is in the back. We just need to sneak our way back.” Anakin whispered, as they walked along a wall.  
Anakin felt his heartbeat in the silence.  
Slow and erratic.  
He tried to ignore it, as he leaned on Rex for balance.  
“Are you sure we’re going the right way?” Ahsoka whispered.   
“There’s only one way in and out. It’s all we’ve got.” Anakin whispered.  
They surpassed the couple of droids that guarded the base, Anakin found it laughable at how poorly guarded the base was - Ahsoka was skeptical.   
And her instinct was right.   
Ahsoka spotted the transmission first, and before Anakin could stop her - lept out to grab it.  
“Ahsoka wait-” Anakin said, and he was met with an igniting of a saber.  
Count Dooku stood behind him.  
“I assumed it was Kenobi leading such a mission.” Dooku said, calmly. Anakin ignited his own saber.  
“The plans may have changed.” Anakin said, leaping to Dooku.  
“Master, we’ve got the piece.” Ahsoka called, before realizing that Anakin had leapt right into a duel. Ahsoka felt her own heart skip a beat. Anakin was not in a condition to fight - yet he had launched himself into a taxing fight.  
“There’s a transport outside, I’ll join you in a bit.” Anakin called, as he blocked blow after blow from Dooku.  
His own body beginning to fail.  
Knowing that, Anakin made sure to inch himself closer to the front.  
He couldn’t catch his breath - especially while he dodged debris that was shooting towards him. He couldn’t shake the fleeting feeling of disconnect. His body unable to keep up with the demands he brought upon it.  
His movements grew weaker, as he made it to the front. Anakin took a second to inhale, and with that inhale - a decapitated head of a battle droid came barreling towards him, and then everything went black.  
“Anakin!,” Ahsoka called, as Dooku retreated back towards the darkness. “Get him on the ship, now.” She commanded. Her face went white with the reality of the situation.  
Two clones carried the unconscious Skywalker upon the transport.  
Ahsoka watched the doors close, and she slumped against a wall, defeated. Her hands burying her face.  
She felt a hand on her shoulder.  
“Skywalker will be fine, he always is.” Rex reassured Ahsoka. She looked up.  
“I want to hope so, but I just. I can’t shake a feeling.” Ahsoka said, quietly.  
“We’re getting back to a cruiser. He’ll get the medical attention he needs.” Rex explained. Ahsoka looked up.  
“I know. I just...I feel like I’ve failed him.” Ahsoka said.  
“You can’t expect anything less from Skywalker; this is quite a common experience.” Rex explained.  
“I know. It’s just...nothing. Thank you.” Ahsoka said.   
The transport made it to the cruiser unscathed; Anakin was carried into the med bay, still unconscious.  
Ahsoka stood in the doorway as Anakin was looked at, and two separate injections were administered.  
She looked towards him, weary, and went to click Obi-Wan - unsure of what else to do.  
“Did everything go well on Florrum? - I, is everything alright?” Obi-Wan asked, as he realized the state that Ahsoka was in.  
“No, it’s uh- Anakin.” Ahsoka said, as she walked closer to her master. He lay calmly; his chest rising and falling with his breath.  
Which was slow.  
The monitor behind him was beeping consistently with his heart rate - which was slowed, and the spikes came with skipped beats and alarming rhythm patterns.  
“What did he do this time?” Obi-Wan asked.  
“We ran into Dooku after finding the transmission, and Anakin decided to fight. He’s uh, he’s unresponsive.” Ahsoka explained, her voice shaking.  
“That’s not good, get him back to the temple, and we’ll get him into the Halls of Healing - which should be better than a medical droid.” Obi-Wan said.  
“Uh, we’re a ways away. I don’t know if he’ll be able to hold on.” Ahsoka said - staring at Anakin’s worryingly low vitals.  
“Anakin’s resilient - I’ve pulled him from much worse. I promise you.” Obi-Wan reassured her through the comlink.  
She sighed.  
“We’ll get over there now. I’ll call again when we’re landing.” Ahsoka said, as she tried to hold back her tears.  
“We’ll be ready, and I promise you, he will be ok.” Obi-Wan said, before clicking off the call.  
Ahsoka walked back towards the cockpit of the ship.  
“We need to get to the Jedi Temple, now.” Ahsoka said, with unusual authority in her voice.  
“Of course, sir.” One of the clones responded, and the cruiser jumped to hyperspace moments later.  
Ahsoka walked back to the medical bay, so she could remain by her master - in case his vitals grew worse.   
The waiting was painful - Ahsoka kept looking to see if Anakin’s chest was still moving. Her eyes were petrified. Seeing her master so vulnerable, and only then did she realize how painfully thin he had become.   
How he was still functioning? She never understood.  
Her time was passed in the med bay - making sure to keep by Anakin’s side. She couldn’t fathom doing anything else.   
She could feel the cruiser come back out of hyperspace. She quickly walked to the bridge of the ship.  
“We’ll be at the temple soon, is Skywalker still alright?” Rex asked.  
“He’s still hanging in there. I need to let Obi-Wan know.” She told him, and walked back into the med bay.  
She went to click Obi-Wan.  
“Master? We’re in Coruscant air space; we’ll be landing soon.” Ahsoka said, hastily.  
“I’ll be waiting. How’s he doing?” Obi-Wan asked.  
“He’s somewhat stable, still unresponsive.” Ahsoka said.  
“Ahsoka, you shouldn’t worry. He will be ok.” Obi-Wan said, calmly.  
“I know, but it doesn’t feel like it.” Ahsoka trailed off.  
“It may feel hopeless, but we can figure this out soon.” Obi-Wan said before clicking off.  
Ahsoka slumped beside Anakin, as she prepared for the landing.  
Obi-Wan stood in front of the ship’s landing, as it opened. His own eyes were just as concerned as Ahsoka’s - when the unconscious Anakin was carried off the cruiser, on Rex’s back.  
No words were exchanged between the four, as they walked to the medical bay in the temple.  
Obi-Wan had no words for the state of his padawan - he had realized how much worse Anakin looked.  
Ahsoka was tired. She felt responsible for his current state, as she didn’t help him fight at all.  
Rex was carrying Anakin - with no help, and he hadn’t realized how small the General was, not until Anakin’s full weight was upon his back.  
The frantic trio walked past the medical droids, and straight to one of the healers, who looked just as concerned.  
“What did Skywalker do this time?” The healer asked.  
“Got into another fight, but he’s unresponsive.” Ahsoka explained - which had the healer concerned.  
They followed the healer to a back room. Two beds were in the room, but both were empty.  
“Place him on one of the two.” She told Rex, who gently tried to place the limp Jedi on the bed.  
“Do you know what’s wrong?” Ahsoka asked.  
“We’ll need to do some testing - I won’t know for a while.” The healer explained - which had Ahsoka fall back. Her shoulders slumping into Obi-Wan’s hands.   
Obi-Wan was affectionate with many of those in his life; especially when comforting them.   
Ahsoka was thankful for this.  
“Should we come back then?” Obi-Wan asked.  
“Master, I want to stay with him.” Ahsoka said, quietly.  
“I know you do, but we should give him space.” Obi-Wan told her.  
“We’ll click when he’s awake; there’s not much for you to do until then.” The healer explained.  
“We understand, thank you for your help.” Obi-Wan said, and pulled the other two out of the room.  
Once the door had closed, Obi-Wan buried his face into his own hands. He was terrified; just as the others.  
Something was truly wrong, and it was far worse than he had thought.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> !!  
> I'm still working through the Star Wars universe, but it's interesting to play w such concepts.  
> -this is becoming somewhat of practice w dialogue bc I'm not gr8 at it.


	11. The Unsheathing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Anakin is faced with the full reality

Anakin awoke with a headache. He tried to move his fingers, but found that it had delayed signals. He looked around the room, and recognized it as one of the many rooms in the Temple medical bay. He then found his clothing laying on a chair, as he laid in the standard medical robes. There were two seperate IVs in his forearm.  
Anakin felt panic rising in his throat, and with it - the screen that was monitoring his vitals started to quicken.   
He watched as one of the familiar healers ran in.  
“Oh, you’re awake? Do you remember anything?” She asked.  
“Yeah, uh, Dooku, and some rock being hurled at me.” Anakin spoke.   
“Do you know where you are?” She asked him, as she walked to his bedside - she started by shining a light into his eyes, and had him follow her finger. She then went to draw more of his blood - for another suspected scan.  
“The temple.” He said.  
“And, how do you feel?” She asked, and started to prod at his fingers - for assumed reflex testing - stopping at the marks upon his knuckles - her fingers passed over the bruising and old scars.  
“Like I got hit in the head with a rock.” Anakin remarked.  
“You do have a concussion, but it isn’t serious.” She told him.  
“Then why am I here?” Anakin asked.  
The healer looked up from his hand.  
“I believe you know the cause, but we won’t have those results for a couple moments.” She said, her voice stern.  
“Does Obi-Wan know?” Anakin asked.  
“He helped bring you here, but no, he does not know the cause,” She said, running the scans. She was silent, as the results were showing. “I think I know why you passed out. Your potassium is quite critical; I’m surprised you aren’t worse off right now.” She explained.  
“Can’t you just do an injection and send me on my way?” Anakin asked, impatiently desperate to get back out to fight - moreso to keep his addictions close to him.  
“Anakin, you really can’t continue to do this. Your last injection was a week ago, and your levels have already fallen to critical, again. How often do you purge?” She asked. It was clear in her voice - that she knew.  
“I never said I-” Anakin started.   
“But it’s what you’re doing, isn’t it?” She asked, starkly. Anakin looked up - his eyes were wide - fear plastered across them, and then with it - pain. He was so desperate to keep himself from his habits. Terrified to let them go.  
The silence was long. Anakin was debating whether he should admit or deny. He knew that lying would make it more suspicious - the truth had finally seeped out.  
“It is.” Anakin confessed. He was defeated. His heart was racing with just the concept of true honesty.  
“How often?” She asked.  
“It’s been daily, uh, for the past week.” Anakin said.  
“That would explain the drop in your levels. What causes you to purge? Do you do it only after binging, or eating too much - or is it after eating anything?” She asked. Anakin was surprised with the ease in which she asked him. He struggled to just speak about anything related to food.   
“After I eat too much, usually, but the last few days, before the mission - it was with anything I ate.” Anakin explained. Everything in his head was telling him to shut up - to deny that he was doing anything dangerous.  
He was desperate to continue feeding the addiction. To continue the only habits that helped him feel anything. To remind himself of everyone he couldn’t save.  
But he was tired. He was tired of the thoughts. He was tired of the questions. He was tired of rinsing his mouth of puke at ungodly hours. He was tired of hiding.   
“Do you do this frequently? The eating too much and purging?” She asked Anakin.   
“I think so? It’s sporadic. Sometimes it’s nightly, sometimes only once a week.” Anakin said, unsure.  
“And you’re not eating outside of this?” The healer asked him. Anakin just looked toward the window.  
“Not enough, at least.” Anakin said.  
“That’s obvious.” She remarked.  
“Why’re you asking so many questions anyway?” Anakin asked. His face still entirely red.  
“I’m just trying to figure out how to help; which means I need to know what you’re doing.” She explained.  
“I don’t want help.” Anakin said, coldly.   
“So you want this to kill you?” She said, calmly.   
“No, but-” Anakin tried to rebuttal.  
“I’m not asking you to suddenly start eating, or to just stop purging - but if you continue - it will kill you.” The healer said, keeping her eyes on Anakin’s.  
“What do you plan to do?” Anakin asked.  
“We’ll start with a mind healer, whether you talk in person or through a hologram, it’ll be often. For the war - since we need you on the battlefield. I’ll be making sure that you have either Obi-Wan or Kix with you on every assignment. They’ll be making sure you’re eating and at least attempting to take care of yourself.” She explained.  
“And if I refuse?” Anakin asked.  
“You’ll be put on medical leave, I shove a tube down your nose, and you’ll be unable to fight until you’re better.” She threatened.  
“By better you mean that I’ve gained the weight back, huh.” He remarked.  
“You’ll need to at some point, as horrible as that thought may be to you.” She told him.  
“How much?” Anakin asked, he attempted to remain stark, but his voice gave all of his panic away. He was petrified of the concept.  
“Twenty, at least, to be medically healthy.” She said after a couple moments.  
“That’s ridiculous.” Anakin said.  
“If you need a perspective, you currently share a weight with your padawan.” She told him.  
“And?” Anakin remarked.  
“You’re much taller. Your body can’t sustain the low weight for long.” She explained.  
“It’s been months, and I’m still here.” Anakin pointed out.  
“You should note your current state before saying such things.” The healer said.  
“So what’s actually wrong with me? Before you go and comlink Obi-Wan.” Anakin asked.  
“It’s been in your file under an unspecified eating disorder, but from what you’ve told me - I can specify it as Anorexia with worsening tendencies towards Bulimia.” She explained.  
“Never heard of them.” Anakin remarked, defending himself.  
“But those around you have, now, I must comlink Obi-Wan.” She explained.  
Anakin kept himself frustrated with the fact that everything had to change, and only after things had fallen into place.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm currently speed-writing before I lose motivation/have to work on new fashion/circus things - so I'll be updating very fast bc otherwise I'll do what I do w the rest of my fics and very slowly update.


	12. Open Waters

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The truth comes out.

“Anakin is awake, if you want to see him.” The healer commed to Obi-Wan - who immediately jumped, and went to comm Ahsoka.  
“Meet me in the med bay.” Obi-Wan said. There was a bit of a sad excitement in his voice.  
Obi-Wan took cautious steps as he walked. He wasn’t actually ready to talk to his padawan - especially with the last time being as awful as it was. He just wanted to help Anakin, even if he was unable to understand what was happening with Anakin.  
He had his own theories, but until Anakin opened himself - Obi-Wan would not know for sure.   
Obi-Wan walked into the first room of the Halls, and immediately found Ahsoka waiting for him.  
“Took you long enough, come on!” She said, and immediately walked to the first hallway, and then stopped.  
“You don’t know where you’re going, do you?” Obi-Wan observed.  
“No, I uh, don’t.” She confirmed, as Obi-Wan took the lead.  
“Then follow.” Obi-Wan said, as he walked through the halls. He stopped at the room he was told, and knocked on the door.  
It was quickly opened. The healer led them inside, and took the datapad off of the counter.   
“I’ll be out of the room for a while, take your time.” The healer said, as she walked out - leaving an exhausted and confused Anakin, and two of his closest friends.  
“Before you get angry, I’m sorry.” Anakin said. His eyes remained locked onto the window.  
“For what? I’ve already told you that you have no need for an apology.” Obi-Wan said, remaining calm.  
“How do you feel?” Ahsoka asked, not sure what else to ask - she just wanted Anakin to know she was there.  
“It’s just a concussion.” Anakin said, downplaying and hoping to hide the intimate conversation he just had. He wasn’t keen on talking about it all again.  
“I’ve told you many times to not engage unless you need to.” Obi-Wan lectured.  
“He was ready for attack; I had an excuse.” Anakin said, defensively.  
“You weren’t in any condition for a fight, Obi-Wan’s right.” Ahsoka said.  
Obi-Wan was avoiding the elephant in the room; assuming Ahsoka wasn’t aware of Anakin’s issues.  
Ahsoka avoided the subject, as Anakin had made clear there would be no more discussion.  
“Had he not thrown a rock towards my head; I would’ve been fine.” Anakin said, keeping with the concussion story.  
Obi-Wan was concerned with the two separate IVs in Anakin’s arm - as that indicated something was being unspoken.  
He felt the uneasy anxiety from Anakin.  
“If it’s a concussion, why do you have two IVs in your arm?” Obi-Wan asked, opening up another intense conversation.  
“Why do you care?” Anakin asked.  
“You didn’t collapse from a rock, did you? What happened? You need to be honest.” Obi-Wan asked.  
“Potassium deficiency and dehydration.” Anakin explained, his voice trailed.  
“Because you refused to eat.” Ahsoka blurted, angrily. Anakin looked towards the two. His eyes consumed with fear.  
“I-” He attempted to rebuttal.  
“Don’t even try to deny it. I watched you almost collapse in the sand.” Ahsoka said, making sure Obi-Wan heard it.   
Anakin saw Obi-Wan’s eyes widen; He looked so betrayed. Anakin felt absolutely hopeless.  
“No, she’s right.” Anakin said.   
“I know you said you didn’t want to get better-” Ahsoka started.  
“I don’t.” Anakin said - his words were tired.   
“But, what you said to me before Florrum - I don’t know if you’ve got that choice, not now.” Ahsoka pointed out.  
“Too bad.” Anakin remarked, frustrated.  
“Anakin, can you stop being so defensive. It’s not something shameful; everyone goes through such pain in different ways...If you don’t, I’ll ask the healer.” Obi-Wan threatened.  
Anakin sighed.  
“Fine. I passed out on Florrum because I didn’t eat, and-” Anakin started. He had almost confessed to purging in front of his master, and his padawan.  
The two people that he was so desperate to hide it from  
“And what else?” Obi-Wan asked.  
“It doesn’t matter.” Anakin said, trying to backtrack. He regretted even agreeing to be open. It was far too difficult.  
“It does. It all does if it causes so much damage,” Obi-Wan said. His breath hitched as he inhaled. “All you’re doing is killing yourself, Anakin.” He said.  
Anakin could feel his master’s defeat.  
“It wasn’t the lack of food that caused it. It was the purging.” Anakin said, quickly; getting it out of his system - so he couldn’t even think twice.  
“Purging?” Ahsoka asked.   
Anakin took a few moments to realize what he was about to expose his padawan to.   
“You shouldn’t really know-” Anakin told Ahsoka.  
“Forcing yourself to throw up.” Obi-Wan explained - trying to process the statement. Anakin looked to Ahsoka - his expression so horridly sad, and he felt Ahsoka’s own heartbreak as she realized.  
“Ahsoka, I’m sorry-” Anakin said, trying to lessen the blow. He watch Ahsoka sit in one of the chairs by the wall - her force energy overwhelmed with emotions he wasn’t sure were real.  
“How long has that been going on?” Obi-Wan asked, pressing on.   
“Since the start of the war.” Anakin said, quietly.  
“Anakin, it’s been a year.” Obi-Wan observed.  
“I’m the one doing it, I know.” Anakin pointed out.  
“Why?” Obi-Wan asked.  
“Punishment, or just to deal with myself? I really just needed to feel something, and it became addicting.” Anakin explained.   
“Why would you need to punish yourself? You’ve done nothing to deserve it.” Ahsoka asked, as she had started to process the more intense information.  
“I just lose so many of those around me, and it’s my own fault.” Anakin explained.  
“You know that’s just a part of war?” Obi-Wan explained.   
Anakin was beginning to overwhelm with the constant questions.  
“It doesn’t make it any easier.” Anakin shouted - leaving the room in silence.  
“I do apologize,” Obi-Wan said, realizing the questions had grown too much for Anakin. “What is the official diagnosis, if there is one?” He asked.  
“Why does it matter?” Anakin asked.  
“To understand what you’ve been doing.” Obi-Wan explained. Anakin pulled his knees towards himself.  
“An eating disorder was the official diagnosis.” Anakin said - finding those two words jarring.  
“I should’ve expected nothing less.” Obi-Wan said.   
The door opened, and the healer walked back in with Kix - which meant they would be discussing the plans for treating Anakin.  
“I hope you’ve gotten acquainted with Anakin’s situation?” The healer asked.  
“He’s explained a bit.” Obi-Wan explained.   
“I’ve brought Kix here to talk about moving forward.” The healer explained.  
Anakin and Kix exchanged looks.  
“Of course, what’s the plan?” Obi-Wan asked.  
“Due to the war, we cannot have Anakin on full medical leave, so we’ve set him up with a mind healer - who he’ll be talking to both on Coruscant and through holo-sessions, if he’s not on Coruscant. I’ve also asked that when he is assigned to missions, the both of you will be with him, just to make sure he takes care of himself. Kix, you’re also going to need to keep a lookout for his physical health - I’ll brief you on some of the things to look out for.” The healer explained.   
“If he refuses to comply?” Obi-Wan asked.  
“I’ve given him a second, less desirable option that we’ll resort to.” The healer explained.  
“Which is?” Kix asked.  
“He’d go on medical leave, we’d administer a feeding tube, and he’d lose any freedom to leave until his weight and his blood scans are stable.” The healer said.  
“Of course.” Obi-Wan said.  
Anakin looked to Ahsoka, who was only able to give him small glances; which made Anakin feel even worse.  
“Do let me know if there are any more issues, or questions. Kix, come with me for the briefing.” She asked, and they left the room.  
Obi-Wan’s comlink started clicking, as he was processing the plans.  
“So, I’ve got to report to the Council. We’ll talk later.” Obi-Wan said, and he quickly left the room, leaving Anakin and Ahsoka.  
“Snips?” Anakin asked; his voice was soft, hoping to at least repair the small fracture in their trust - and reassure Ahsoka.  
“I’m sorry. It’s-I thought- Why would you even think about doing something like that?” Ahsoka choked out.  
“Hey, come here.” Anakin said, patting the empty bed beside him. Ahsoka reluctantly went to sit - her hands clasped - tension running all throughout her body.  
“I know this is tough for you, but I promise you that everything’s going to be fine.” Anakin tried reassuring her. Ahsoka held her head down.  
“You said that right before Florrum, master, and you ended up here. I want to trust you, but I can’t. Not anymore.” Ahsoka said.  
“I’m sorry, I wish I had told you everything, Snips. I just- I didn’t want to bring you into it.” Anakin explained.  
“Why not? I’m your padawan, aren’t I?” Ahsoka asked.  
“A padawan should not fear her master’s well-being.” Anakin said.  
“A master should not be so ill in the first place, but here you are.” Ahsoka pointed out.   
“A bit harsh, don’t you think.” Anakin said, feeling rather called out.  
“But I’m right, you can’t deny it.” Ahsoka pointed out.  
“No, you are right. It was wrong of me to keep you in the dark.” Anakin apologized.  
“So, why? You don’t just decide to do this one day - so why do you do it?” Ahsoka asked.  
“It happened before we met. My mother died on Tatooine, and I’ve been blaming myself since then. It started as a stupid, yet effective way to cope. I uh, it became addicting.” Anakin explained.   
“Is there anything I can do? To help you?” Ahsoka asked.   
“You don’t need to-” Anakin said.  
“I want to help.” She said. Eagerly.  
“You’ll just need to be there. I’m not entirely sure, if I’m being honest.” Anakin explained.  
Ahsoka nodded, eagerly.   
Anakin was unsure how she remained so optimistic - especially after feeling her heart break just moments earlier.   
But he was proud of her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ay - yeah. I'm still going ! it'll be interesting.


	13. A Bringer of the Old

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Anakin is not happy.

The first few days were awkward. Anakin had spent two nights in the Halls of Healing - just so they could make sure he was ok, physically.  
He wasn’t called for any assignments for the first week - which had him anxiously trying to escape the Temple for Padme - and only succeeding a couple times.  
Anakin was desperate to feel something comforting.  
He was desperate for any of the familiarity that came from the habits.  
It had been a few days of Obi-Wan practically dragging Anakin into the dining hall for every meal. The first few days were a nightmare - Anakin’s body was unable to fully process the food - which had him involuntarily knelt over toilets far more than he had wanted.   
The Healers had warned Anakin about the first few days - and that it would be miserable. Anakin had expected pain, but nothing close to what he was experiencing.   
He wanted nothing more than to fall back - to just ignore his hunger.   
Anakin found that when he had started eating - he was always hungry. It was this nagging, awful hunger, and it never went away.   
Anakin was far more miserable after a week of eating than he had ever been while starving himself.   
He just wanted everyone to go, to leave him alone.   
His comlink clicked.  
“This is Skywalker.” Anakin said, as he got up from his bed.  
“We’ve got an assignment, but first, meet me in the medical bay.” Obi-Wan said, and Anakin rolled his eyes as he got dressed.  
He hadn’t spent much time in the Temple medical bay, but he had spent his time with a separate mind healer; one that was more specialized in his issues.  
The sessions felt repetitive and invasive, but they did help him - even if it took a while to get started.  
Anakin trudged back to the medical bay. He was starving, yet nauseous, and it was infuriating.  
“Why am I here? Again?” Anakin asked.  
“We just need to make sure you’re not going to die while on the mission.” Obi-Wan explained. Anakin was gestured towards one of the beds, so he sat. The healer grabbed a needle, and shoved it into his skin.  
Anakin just stared past Obi-Wan - his emotions unable to process without his usual habits.  
“Your blood scan shows nothing too concerning, so you should be good to go, at least if you continue to eat.” The healer said, and Anakin started towards the door - leaving Obi-Wan in the dust. He was desperate to leave the temple.  
Obi-Wan ran behind him, trying to catch up.  
“Anakin, we’re moving to the hangar bay.” Obi-Wan said, as he caught up.  
“What’s this whole thing anyway?” Anakin asked.  
“A bit of a scouting. We’re getting word of some bounty hunters terrorizing the outer rim; these bounty hunters also joining with the Separatists - which is why we were called.” Obi-Wan explained.  
“And you’re coming with me aren’t you?” Anakin asked.  
“Of course, just as planned - Kix being part of the troops we’re bringing along.” Obi-Wan said.  
“Great.” Anakin remarked, sarcastically.  
They boarded one of the cruisers - which were already awaiting their arrival.   
“Glad to see you back, General.” Rex said, as they left the loading docks.  
“Glad to be back.” Anakin said, as he walked forward - to the bridge - his body felt deceivingly heavy. He couldn’t stand the feeling - the absolute dread that he was facing.  
He was terrified to realize that he had probably gained back some weight. It had only been a week, and he wasn’t eating nearly what he should - logically, he knew that he absolutely had to - that his body was unable to function where it currently sat - Anakin couldn’t let it go. He couldn’t let the feelings he desperately chased go.  
He was exhausted of existing in such a way, and there was a relief when Obi-Wan forced him to eat. Anakin was partly thankful, but he also felt such anger.  
Obi-Wan had taken one of the only coping mechanisms Anakin had - and his only sense of control - leaving Anakin with no way of dealing with himself - or ignoring the problems he was desperate to ignore.  
With every fiber of his being - Anakin despised Obi-Wan for it.   
For caring.  
It sounded so ridiculously dumb.  
Most of this - it was illogical, but there was no way of distinguishing the logical from the illogical - not without someone to help him sort it out.  
Anakin was deeply unhappy - and he was unable to self regulate.  
His thoughts started to follow a usual path - an old path - but one that he recognized.  
Back when he was still a padawan - his first instincts were not anything related to food - they were a usual progression in self-destruction.  
It started with one of the knives he held on his belt - one that Obi-Wan hadn’t confiscated.  
Anakin found himself so deeply aware of the scarring upon his body. With the whole eating disorder thing - he hadn’t cared for the self-harm.  
Now that he had no more control - it was the first thing he desired.  
He was desperate to feel something.   
So he took the tiny knife into a faraway fresher, and looked upon all the old wounds. The ones which had healed quite smoothly, almost blending into his skin - until one looked up close.  
Angry lines fell into place, no official pattern, but they didn’t look accidental.  
Anakin sighed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> !! - I've got other Clone Wars fic ideas, while I procrastinate editing my book.  
> So, other characters get stories in a similar vein cuz venting is how I write.


	14. Old Promises/New Horizons

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Recovery isn't easy, and Anakin lies his way out.

Anakin was complying. Anakin ate when he was told, and talked with his mind healer as scheduled. He had gained most of the weight he was required too.  
He was recovering perfectly.  
Too perfectly.   
From the outside, at least.  
Anakin had become the master of hiding - of waiting.  
When he had come back to the Halls of Healing - he was brought into another room. They drew his blood, took his vitals, and pulled Obi-Wan and Kix back into the room.  
Anakin was released from the plan - for “good behavior”. He was still to see a mind healer, and to be looked over physically - to make sure it stuck, but he was allowed his own freedom again.  
Just as the other reckless plans he had created - it worked.  
Anakin still ate with Obi-Wan; if they were in the same space - making sure to calculate his meals carefully, so he wouldn’t be losing weight too fast; it would give him away.  
It was the same with the purging - desperate to do it - he found that hiding it wasn’t hard. He just had to find a source of potassium.  
It was damage control. Anakin had learned how to reduce the damage he was causing.  
It would only slow - it would not allow him to continue indefinitely.  
He knew that.  
But he was ready to do it, until the next medical crisis.  
He was desperate to.  
It was the same with the self-harm. Anakin had started during his first few weeks of recovery. He quickly fell back into its’ clutches, and even with the old habits returning - he couldn’t stop.  
Adding it to his collection of self-destruction.  
He’d do it on his hips, and occasionally on his upper arms - which were usually well-hidden.  
No one had seen them, and no one would ask him.  
Anakin was in the clear.  
His current mission had him on a cruiser with Ahsoka and a couple clones, as they traveled back towards the Outer Rim.  
They were chasing an odd signal - and the journey towards it felt unbearably long.  
It was the third late night; with just two more to come. Anakin had spent most of his day in waiting. He wandered the halls, talked to the mind healer, talked to Obi-Wan - reassuring his master that yes, he was indeed eating, and then briefing the Clones.   
Anakin was sneaking back through the halls - trying to get food back to his quarters - as he had ignored the hunger from the day.  
The curse that came with gaining weight back - it was awful. He was always hungry, as his body had grown used to actual meals.  
Not his habit of picking what his head could fathom was safe - or calculated.  
Anakin hated it. He felt absolutely horrid with the new hunger.  
So he would binge and purge so much more often - to try and get rid of the feeling - even if it never worked.  
Anakin had the door to his quarters closed, and with haste he consumed what he had in front of him.   
It wasn’t an alarming amount of food - not as bad as it had been, but it was still enough to have him gunning towards the fresher, leaving the door open in haste.  
He knelt in front of the toilet.   
There was a hesitation. His fingers were laying upon his chin, as he had to muster the same courage that he used to have - as if he knew what could happen if he continued.  
Anakin shook the feelings, and shoved his fingers down, and with ease - he puked what he could.   
It only grew easier with time.  
He heard hasty footsteps come through the door of his quarters. The footfalls matched Ahsoka’s, and during Anakin’s second attempt at puking - she eagerly walked towards the open door.  
“Master-” Ahsoka said, her words cutting off entirely as she saw Anakin on the other side. Anakin quickly shoved the door closed using the force.  
He finished purging, and washed the taste from his mouth.  
He felt Ahsoka’s energy. It was by the door, dropping, completely shattering into pieces. She was slumped by the door, listening.  
Anakin stood on the opposite side.  
“You still there, Snips?” He asked, his voice hoarse.  
“Yeah.” She whispered.  
“I’m sorry. I’m sorry you had to see it.” Anakin said, quietly. He wanted to look her in the eyes, to see the sadness he knew all too well - but he couldn’t. She wouldn’t trust him.  
“So you’re not better?” Ahsoka asked.  
“No. It’s not that easy.” Anakin explained.  
“I know it feels like everyone is against you. I feel your frustrations, but all they’re doing is trying to help.” Ahsoka explained.  
“I know.” Anakin said.  
“Then why? You know how dangerous it is.” Ahsoka said. Anakin slid to the floor - his back still against the door.  
“I just can’t. I tried. I promise that I tried, but it made me feel worse. I couldn’t.” Anakin started to explain.  
“And now? You’ll just destroy yourself.” Ahsoka said - her voice dropping.  
“I’m staying as safe as I can, Snips. I promise.” Anakin tried to reassure her.  
“You know it’s impossible. I’m young, but I’m not stupid.” Ahsoka said.  
“I just- I can’t do it. Every day was just more painful than the last, and everyone was always angry at me for the worst reasons.” Anakin explained.  
“You should’ve talked to them.” Ahsoka said.  
“I tried. They excused it with the disorder. I lost any and all control over myself; more than normal.” Anakin explained.  
“So you were eating to get them off of your back?” Ahsoka asked.  
“Yeah.” Anakin said, defeated.  
“You saw what happened the first time - what’re you going to say when you end up back in the healers? They’ll just keep you there, on leave.” Ahsoka pointed out.  
“I know. I just-I can’t care.” Anakin explained.   
“I-I want to help, so it doesn’t get that bad.” Ahsoka said, her tone changing.  
“How? I barely know how to help myself.” Anakin said.  
“I don’t know - I just, I’m your padawan. We’re supposed to help each other.” Ahsoka said. Anakin took a second to think - he had let Obi-Wan in, and suddenly the two barely spoke while around each other - at least at the current moment.  
“I’ll take you up on that offer, as long as you promise to not tell anyone.” Anakin said.  
He felt Ahsoka’s energy - it was fleeting - Her stress had started to dissipate.  
“Only if you don’t get bad. I promise,” Ahsoka said. She sighed deeply. “Do you want food right now, I know you just...uh, you know? But I think it might help you feel better.” Ahsoka suggested.  
Anakin only felt his stomach turning knots - which usually happened after purging.  
“Not now. I should sleep - in the morning.” Anakin said, as he opened the fresher door.  
His padawan stood there, her eyes wide - hope flowing through them.  
“I’ll find you in the morning.” She said, before quickly hugging Anakin. She was quick, before Anakin could protest.  
And she ran off.  
Anakin felt awful, awful for the pain he caused those around him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it's like the Star Wars equivalent of IP, which sux.


	15. Intermission

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Calm feels so blue.

“If you don’t at least eat breakfast, I’ll go tell Obi-Wan.” Ahsoka threatened. Anakin looked up from his pillow. He groaned. His head was still pounding from a bit of a scary purging session the night before.  
“Fine. I’m up.” Anakin said; he pulled himself from the bed - his footing unsteady.  
“You had a night, didn’t you?” Ahsoka asked, concerned. Anakin pulled the numerous layers of robes over his torso.  
“It wasn’t great, no. I’m fine though.” He reassured her.  
“Are you sure?” Ahsoka asked.  
“Yeah, I probably just need food.” Anakin said, his voice hoarse from the purging.  
He followed his eager padawan into the dining hall - His legs still shaking.  
“So you’re admitting defeat?” Ahsoka asked, jokingly.  
“If self-care is defeat, then yeah.” Anakin said.  
“Sorry, that was insensitive. So are you actually ok?” Ahsoka asked - as she noticed the way her master was struggling to keep up with her steps.  
“Honestly, not sure, but I’d rather stay away from the healers. I’m kind of sick of being stuck with needles.” Anakin said, his voice low.  
“I understand.” Ahsoka said, and they walked into the large dining hall, Anakin scouring the area for Obi-Wan - and walking in once the coast was clear.  
He followed Ahsoka to get food, and she made sure he actually got enough for himself - as Anakin wasn’t that great at it.  
They walked to sit at a smaller table - more in the corner.  
Anakin was quiet, as he ate. It was easier for him. He just forced himself, as otherwise he’d be disappointing Ahsoka.   
And it absolutely broke his heart when he did.  
It was no surprise that eating would make him feel better, but the odd heartbeat patterns seemed to remain.  
Anakin would ignore it; hoping it would just go away.  
“So, we’re not due for a briefing until next week. What’re you even gonna do?” Ahsoka asked. Anakin shrugged, as they walked back out of the dining hall.   
Ahsoka knew to immediately get Anakin away from the awfully stressful situations.  
“I’ll be around.” Anakin lied - knowing he’d be with Padme for every second of his break.  
“Of course- you’ll check in, right?” Ahsoka asked.  
“Yeah. We’ll probably be called for an assignment in like a day, promise. A week is hopeful.” Anakin said.  
“Yeah, uh, I’ll see you then.” Ahsoka said, and they parted ways.  
Anakin walked towards the hanger, and grabbed his speeder.   
He walked in, as if he hadn’t just been on a month-long mission.  
“Oh, you’re early.” Padme said, still clearly amidst getting dressed.  
“I just had to get away from the Temple for a bit. Uh, sorry, didn’t realize it was a bad time.” Anakin said, as he went to embrace his half-dressed wife.  
“I missed you, you know? There were whispers through the Senate.” Padme said, her voice soft.  
“Whispers of what?” Anakin asked, knowing pretty what they’d be.  
“That you were dying.” Padme said. She looked upon Anakin’s eyes - they were sad. He felt her pain, and the relief when she had realized he wasn’t dead.  
“Word travels fast in the Senate. I can reassure you that I am not currently dying.” Anakin said, amused at such a fact.  
“I know. I didn’t believe them.” Padme said, and she sat on the couch - Anakin following.  
“But there is something I’ve been hiding.” Anakin said - his fingers interlocking through his anxiety.  
“I know.” Padme said. Anakin looked up to her eyes.  
“You know what?” Anakin asked.  
“You’re not very subtle.” Padme said, smugly.  
“So, I’ve been told. Do you know all of it?” Anakin asked.  
“No. You are good at being vague, but please, let me in. I can tell it’s eating you.” Padme said, her hands lay upon Anakin’s.  
“It’s not as bad as it was, but uh, I was in the Halls of Healing a while ago - where the rumors probably started. Uh, and was told I have an eating disorder - it’s what they called it.” Anakin said. His words were pausing, as he kept trying to shove the words through. He was still unable to admit to the disorder- nor the specifics of it.  
It was something he was ashamed of.  
“I knew that much, did they go into specifics? What happened?” Padme asked - surprising Anakin. He started to relax - resting his bodyweight on Padme for more comfort.   
She placed a hand on his collarbone - brushing her thumb across it.  
“I passed out after some encounter with Dooku. I was fine, just low potassium,” Anakin said. He paused - taking a long inhale. “They said uh, that it was a mix of Anorexia and Bulimia, uh.” Anakin trailed off.  
“Ani, why didn’t you tell me? I could’ve helped.” Padme said, her hands still brushing upon the small amount of exposed skin on Anakin’s chest.  
He was uncomfortable at first - having someone brush upon the raised scars, and slightly protruding chest bones - which weren’t as apparent as they had been before he had gained some of the weight back.  
“I didn’t really want help.” Anakin said.  
“Didn’t it hurt though? I couldn’t even imagine how it would feel.” Padme asked; her hands resting now, cradling Anakin’s head on her shoulders.  
“That’s kind of the point. The pain was different from the pain of war.” Anakin explained.  
“You needed a way to control your own pain?” Padme asked.   
Anakin was a bit startled with how deductive Padme was.  
“Uh yeah, actually, how’d you know?” Anakin asked.  
“Lucky guess; it’s not uncommon in war time to struggle so.” Padme explained. Anakin felt himself calm down - knowing that Padme didn’t react horribly.  
“Are you still doing it?” Padme asked, timidly.  
“No, uh, not exactly.” Anakin said.  
“What do you mean?” Padme asked.  
“I uh, it still happens, but I’ve got people to help. I’m not as bad as I was.” Anakin explained - trying to downplay his relapse.  
“Can I help as well? I don’t want you to struggle alone.” Padme said - passing her hand upon his sharp cheekbones.  
“I uh, yes. I’ll probably need your help.” Anakin said - smiling. He missed the connection of skin.  
They sat beside each other - the atmosphere clearing. They were calm, breathing in sync with each other. Anakin’s mind at ease for the first time in months.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yea, I'm still workin on it - it'll just uh school's crazy.


	16. Re-kindling

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Repairing broken vines.

“Your numbers are improving, slowly. They’re not where they should be, but I’m pleased with what I’m seeing.” The healer explained.   
Anakin looked up, as he rolled the sleeve of his tunic back over his arm. He wasn’t pleased with the concept.  
“So, I’m still gaining? Great.” He said, sarcastically. The healer sighed.  
“No, it means your bloods are improving and your heart rate is somewhat liveable, Anakin, but if you must know - you’re still 138 pounds.” They explained.   
Anakin pushed himself off of the bed, and walked towards the door - hoping to be done with the check-in.  
“Don’t think I haven’t seen those marks upon your knuckles. You’re still purging, aren’t you?” The healer asked - softly.  
“If I said yes, what would you do?” Anakin asked - his own voice softening.  
“I won’t go tell Kix or Obi-Wan if you’re worried about that. It’s just a warning - you can’t keep it up for this long without adverse effects. You know this.” The healer explained.  
“I know, I uh, I’m not ready to quit yet.” Anakin said.  
“And that’s understandable - I just need you to understand that you’re not invincible.” The healer said. Anakin rolled his eyes.  
“I’m aware; doesn’t change the addiction aspect.” Anakin said.  
“I know; just something to consider, before you go.” The healer said, and Anakin walked out of the door - escaping the stress of the environment.  
He walked through the halls; aimlessly, as he wasn’t currently on an assignment. It left him with an odd emptiness, and very little purpose. Especially with Padme off on an assignment of her own.  
“Anakin.” He heard Obi-Wan call from some corner of the hall. Anakin searched for the sound - and he was met with his former master by his side.   
“You’re still unhappy with me, aren’t you.” Obi-Wan observed. Anakin kept his eyes away from Obi-Wan’s - trying to show no discomfort.  
“I’m not.” Anakin said, coldly.  
“We haven’t spoken in a month; not since your last assignment, are you okay?” Obi-wan asked, calmly.  
“Yeah. I’m uh, I’m fine.” Anakin said - trying to avoid the conversation. He didn’t necessarily want to push Obi-Wan away - he just didn’t want to speak of his own well-being - which was falling apart.  
“Anakin, I’m just worried. I’m not going to sit you down and shove food in front of you; you can be honest.” Obi-Wan said, as they continued along the large halls.  
“That wasn’t what happened last time I told you anything.” Anakin said - angry at the numerous times that Obi-Wan had just taken all control from him.  
“You were more ill. Had I left it up to you - you’d probably have killed yourself.” Obi-Wan explained, trying to keep himself calm - when he desperately felt helpless.  
“I would’ve been fine. I always am.” Anakin muttered.  
“Of course you’d be.” Obi-Wan muttered back, sarcastically.   
The two walked beside one another, wordlessly. Anakin had no rebuttal for Obi-Wan’s truths.   
“I’m sorry. Uh.” Anakin said, after an uncomfortably long silence.  
“For what?” Obi-Wan asked.  
“Pushing you back, or away - whatever. I just - it’s not your fault.” Anakin said. His eyes continuing to avoid Obi-Wan.  
“I never thought it was, nor did I blame you for it.” Obi-Wan said.   
“You were angry. I felt your frustration - when you were assigned to help me.” Anakin said.  
“I wasn’t angry at you; I was worried. I was angry with myself, for not being able to help you.” Obi-Wan explained.  
“I’m sorry.” Anakin said, unable to say much else.  
More silence was between them. Anakin was unsure to where he was wandering.  
“Have you been briefed for your next assignment yet?” Obi-Wan asked.  
“Not yet. It seems I’ve been forgotten.” Anakin said, disappointed.  
“You’ve only been off for a week - even those fighting on the frontlines need a break, you should know this. You can’t keep fighting forever.” Obi-Wan said.  
“I know, it’s just- I don’t like being here. All I get are awful memories and unwanted feelings.” Anakin explained.  
“I know. You never had the easiest time at the temple, nor with the other padawans, but I think you don’t give yourself enough credit.” Obi-Wan said.  
“Credit in what? Being the reckless, attached jedi? They don’t trust me, and I don’t blame them.” Anakin said, defeated.   
“They do trust you; some are just a little stuck in their old traditions.” Obi-Wan said.   
“They still don’t know, do they?” Anakin asked.  
“No, and I don’t plan on saying anything.” Obi-Wan said.  
Anakin was then caught off guard by Ahsoka running through the halls.  
“Master, we uh, we have a briefing, like now.” She exclaimed, excitedly. Anakin jumped - and he looked back toward Obi-Wan.  
“I uh, good talk. Gotta go. Talk to you later, I guess.” Anakin said, chasing after his padawan - leaving Obi-Wan in the dust.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> still goin - uh yea


	17. An Arc of Nothing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A new mission brings more challenges.

A long flight through hyperspace had Anakin ridiculously bored. It usually did. Plans were discussed, but then hours afterwards were just commuting time.  
The briefing wasn’t long. Anakin, Ahsoka, and their troops was assigned to assist in capturing an old Separtist leader.  
But he lay in the Outer Rim - the trek being days long in hyperspace. Long, and uneventful.  
Thoughts seemed to come and go across his mind. He wanted nothing more than to fall back down - fully.   
He hadn’t really any intention to take care of himself. If his bloods had been improving - he could stand to just break himself for a few days - just to pass the time, so his own head could be quiet.  
So he stumbled back into his quarters - his head racing with doubt.  
He didn’t really want to just fall back.   
But he did. He was desperate to feel something.  
Despite his resistance to recovery - he had started to try; even if it was just to hide from the healers.  
Keeping his bodyweight low, but not too low - it gave him control, and kept everyone else off of his back.   
It was expertly controlled - and he felt as if he had a grip on himself.  
It was the constant hunger that scared him - he hadn’t fallen victim to the feeling yet, but it grew. It kept growing, and he had started to feel said hunger almost taking control of him at certain moments.  
When he was bored - that was the worst.  
He was hungry at this moment - and that had him crashing.  
Falling.  
Burning.  
Anakin had shut the door of his quarters - making sure to close the door before he took to the stash of snacks he had stolen from the dining halls on the cruiser.  
It wasn’t a fun habit - hoarding food was actually quite the opposite. He always knew - he knew it was there.  
Sitting.  
He felt so obligated to eat it.   
It was interesting - to differentiate the mental hunger from his physical hunger - but he wasn’t very good at it.  
His body had caught up to the starving, but Anakin was stubborn. He finished overconsuming the snacks - leaving only stacks of trash - and closed his bathroom door. His body immediately expelling the food, as he shoved his middle finger down his throat. It was only habitual.  
Anakin fell to his knees, his legs unable to hold him. Somehow everything came crashing all at once.  
He was barely awake.  
But he wasn’t one to pass out - nor was he going to let this stupid habit destroy him.   
He clicked Ahsoka, as he laid down - trying not to lose his consciousness.  
“Master, what did you need?” Ahsoka said, as she opened the fresher door once more - seeing Anakin on the floor - eyes open, breath slow. His force energy, it was weak, waning.   
Ahsoka’s breath hitched.  
“Rex, I’m going to need your help, uh and Kix. Anakin’s quarters.” She said, into her comlink; her voice shaking.  
She knelt close to Anakin. Her hand placed upon his shoulder. He moved his head to face her.  
“Hey, uh, don’t move skyguy, you’re not in a place to do so.” Ahsoka said.  
Anakin felt the sadness - as it radiated off of her. His own heart sunk. He felt so much guilt, knowing what this did to those around him, but seeing it up close, again; it hurt so much more.  
“Snips. I’m sorry you had to see it.” Anakin said - his voice slightly hoarse. Ahsoka just took Anakin’s hand - she brushed a strand of thin hair out of his eyes.  
“Don’t you dare speak, not now.” She said, as Rex briskly walked through the small fresher door.  
“What do you need, sir?” Rex asked.  
“Anakin’s unconscious, or almost- he’s like nodding out. I need help to get him into the med bay.” Ahsoka said, and Rex quickly picked the unconscious Anakin off of the ground - Ahsoka getting under the other shoulder - feeling his alarmingly weightless body as they dragged him towards the med bay.  
“I thought he was better.” Rex said, quietly.  
“He uh, he was getting better, but I guess something happened.” Ahsoka said.  
“What happened?” Rex asked.  
“He was probably purging, again. It’s uh, something he does far too often.” Ahsoka explained.  
“He never ceases to amaze me.” Rex said - unsure how to react to the current situation.  
They got into the med bay; with Kix already informed, and ready.   
Ahsoka dropped Anakin off on one of the beds. Kix took a quick scan - to see if anything was diagnosable, and placed a simple IV of potassium, once more.  
“What happened?” Ahsoka asked.  
“Not sure, yet, except that his potassium is low, again.” Kix said.  
“Of course it is, do you know when you can figure it out?” Ahsoka asked.  
“When he’s awake, which might be a bit.” Kix explained.  
“Of course. I’ll just, I’ll be here.” Ahsoka said.   
She was confused. He was getting better - he swore he was, and she wanted to trust him - but Ahsoka felt her trust breaking.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> in the mood for angsty things uhh - thank u for the kind words too !!


	18. Fixing Broken Ties

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ahsoka tries to get through to Anakin.

Anakin awoke a couple hours later - his head pounding furiously. He looked around the familiar space. He wasn’t really angry, more embarrassed that he had ended up back here once again - knowing that someone had to carry him throughout the entire ship.  
He noticed Ahsoka beside him - nervously fidgeting, and pausing when she noticed him moving.  
“Oh, you’re awake.” She observed.  
“Uh, yeah, how far are we from the Outer Rim?” Anakin asked.  
“We still have a day of travel. How do you feel?” Ahsoka asked.  
“Like I got hit with a speeder, but it’s not that bad.” Anakin said - pushing himself to an upright position.  
“You sure? You weren’t in the best of conditions when we found you.” Ahsoka said; clearly concerned.  
“It’s not as bad as it was.” Anakin excused himself.   
Kix walked back in, as he was notified of Anakin’s awakening.   
“Ah, general. How’re you doing?” Kix asked.   
“Tired of that question - but I’m fine, now.” Anakin said.  
“Good, you, uh, you had us worried for a moment.” Kix said, as he walked over - assumedly to run scans.  
“What happened?” Anakin asked.  
“That’s what I’m figuring out now; but your potassium levels dropped again. That was a part of it.” Kix explained.  
Anakin sat, one of his legs pulled into his torso - while Kix examined and prodded parts of his body. He looked to Ahsoka, and felt her fear. The distrust that was starting to get between them. He had made a promise - and he had broken said promise. He wasn’t sure how to even apologize to her.  
“I think I’ve got your answer - the sudden loss of potassium had your heart drop significantly - which was why you passed out. Oxygen couldn’t get to your organs quick enough. It seems that the infusion fixed it, at least for now.” Kix explained - which had everyone relieved. It wasn’t something that Anakin deemed serious - even if it probably was.  
He wasn’t really dying.  
“Cool, so I’m good to go?” Anakin asked - as he started to get off of the bed - Kix placed a hand on Anakin’s shoulder - weighing him down.  
“Not yet - we still need to run a second infusion, and you need to eat something.” Kix said, starkly.   
Anakin rolled his eyes and sat back down.  
“Great, fine.” He complained, and rolled the sleeve of his tunic up - so Kix could insert the needle.  
Kix had left the room for a few moments, probably for supplies - leaving Ahsoka awkwardly in a chair.  
“Thought you were getting better, or at least trying.” Ahsoka said - calmly.  
“I was trying, but sometimes things don’t go as planned.” Anakin said.  
“That’s when you actually talk to someone. You don’t have to go through this alone.” Ahsoka said, her eyes remaining on the floor.  
“I don’t want to burden you with my own issues.” Anakin said.  
Ahsoka looked up. Anakin wasn’t able to meet her - but he felt her pain.  
“You’re not a burden. I offered to help you. I knew what would come with it.” Ahsoka explained.  
“I just- I can’t justify dragging you through this. I feel- I feel so guilty, because of how much it seems to affect you. We always end up here, and your eyes, they hurt.” Anakin said, somber.  
“We end up here because you don’t reach out.” Ahsoka said, walking closer to her master, caution in her steps.  
“I-I do.” Anakin defended himself.  
“You don’t need to keep the whole ‘tough guy’ personality. I see through it - the Force does have us bonded. I’m sick of feeling helpless - and you; you need to actually reach out. We’re always here because you ignore the warning signs, and then go too far. Take care of yourself for once!” Ahsoka said - ranting, and her words growing louder - more jarring to Anakin.  
“I’m sorry. I’m sorry for causing you so much pain.” Anakin said - and the room was quiet.  
Kix had come back with the infusion supplies - and with no hesitation, Kix gently shoved the needle into Anakin’s arm.  
“You’ll be here for a few more hours, until your vitals look slightly liveable.” Kix explained.  
“Great.” Anakin mumbled, frustrated. He felt awful - Ahsoka was angry.  
She had every right to be, but it didn’t make him feel better.  
“Do you promise?” Ahsoka asked, quietly.  
“Promise what?” Anakin asked.  
“Before you do anything stupid, just reach out. We’re here to help, no one’s doing anything to hurt you.” Ahsoka said.  
“I uh, I’ll try.” Anakin said - knowing, promising that he’d keep doing what he was doing. He couldn’t even fathom the day where he wasn’t sick, or tired.   
Kix walked back in with some tray - which held food from the dining hall.  
“If you want to get out of here, you also need to eat breakfast.” Kix said - shoving the tray into Anakin’s lap, and standing back; still looming in the room.  
Anakin looked at the toast - which was slightly burnt. He sighed, and grumbled as he picked at the toast - eating the small pieces he picked off.  
He wasn’t really anxious - he was moreso just frustrated with himself, and the whole situation.  
“Do you seriously have to do that?” Ahsoka remarked.  
“Do you want me to eat?” Anakin asked, slightly frustrated. Ahsoka just sighed.  
“Yeah, I do. Sorry.” She said.  
“It’s fine. It’s uh. I’m sorry. I do want to get better, it’ll just take some time, and I need your patience.” Anakin said.  
“Never thought I’d hear you ask for patience, but I understand.” Ahsoka said.  
“There’s a first time for everything.” Anakin said.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ah yea - good day to all.


	19. A Revisiting

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Anakin must face old demons.

“You don’t eat, you don’t come on the mission.” Ahsoka said, shoving a tray in front of a disheveled Anakin - who just looked up.  
“Says who?” Anakin asked, frustrated.  
“I do, and Kix. We can’t have you unable to fight, not on such important missions.” Ahsoka explained. She sat beside Anakin, who rearranged his posture.  
“Great. Fine.” Anakin mumbled. He started with the hot cup of caf - hoping it’d help him feel more alive.  
“So, you feeling up to this?” Ahsoka asked, eagerly.  
“Yeah, sure.” Anakin said - cutting the toast on his tray into pieces.   
Ahsoka sat beside him - waiting patiently for him to finish - making sure he did.  
Eating itself wasn’t hard - nor did Anakin struggle to do so, when he had the permission for it.  
It was when he couldn’t give himself the same permission that it became difficult - as if it was punishment for everything else he had done wrong.  
Anakin walked up to the bridge, as they started get closer to Tatooine - where the general had been spotted - much to his own dismay.  
“You gonna be ok, going back to Tatooine? I know it’s not your favorite planet in the galaxy.” Ahsoka asked, as she followed Anakin back towards his quarters.   
“Don’t know yet.” Anakin said - he continued to dress himself. He pulled the outer layers atop his tunic.   
“I’ll be by your side, if you need.” Ahsoka reassured, as they started their preparations.  
They walked into the hangar - which had the transports ready - so they could get to the planet’s surface. Anakin had a calm demeanor - on his exterior. He was completely collapsing internally.  
Terrified of what he might feel.  
“You’re nervous.” Ahsoka said, as they boarded their transport - surrounded by troops.  
“A bit, but it’s nothing.” Anakin reassured her. They took off - flying out of the cruiser, and started the final trek to the miserable desert planet.  
“Of course, it’s always nothing.” Ahsoka murmured. They remained silent for a bit. Anakin’s heart racing from anxiety.  
He wasn’t ready to experience any of the old emotions. Tatooine held a lot of weight. It was really the birthplace of his disorder, and it was jarring to be back in such a space.   
His mother had died in his arms, and he fell, obsessed just a week later.  
Coming back to such a place - in the state that he was in - it did scare him.  
“You’re not ok. I can feel the, uh concerning anxiety.” Ahsoka said, quietly.  
“I uh, yeah. It all started on Tatooine.” Anakin explained.   
“After your mother?” Ahsoka asked.   
“Yeah, uh.” Anakin said, his voice quiet.   
“So you’re probably not going to be ok?” Ahsoka asked.   
“No.” Anakin said, starkly - ending said conversation.  
As they drew closer to the surface, Anakin was met with memories he had blocked from his mind.  
He remembered the strange abhorrence he felt from any thought of food - it had started with the guilt. He felt he deserved nothing. He had let his mother die - and he felt so awful about being so attached.  
That was just his downfall. He felt too deeply for those around him. His greatest strength was also his tragic flaw.  
Anakin remembered when Obi-Wan had noticed the first time. He had only really been starving himself for a few months, but he wasn’t completely discreet.  
Obi-Wan was more bold, as Anakin’s master - versus now when Anakin was knighted.  
Obi-Wan had marched Anakin towards the Halls of Healing; angry, after Anakin had passed out for the first time.  
Anakin had lied - when asked if he was eating. Everything was shrugged off as stress, and Obi-Wan begrudgingly had to keep Anakin eating - and be his support; until Anakin was able to get over the grief.  
Anakin was fine for a year; until he was knighted. The trauma from the Clone Wars - even just the first moments - they were enough to pull him back down. This time, Obi-Wan was too engrossed in his own work to even notice the early signs.  
And now, Anakin was at his worst.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ay - hello, back again.


	20. New Self;Same Space

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Anakin must deal with  
> sand

The first few desert hours weren’t bad. Anakin was real unhappy the entire time, as he had to trudge through deep sand - leading his troops, and Ahsoka hopping through the sand beside him. Her steps contained far more pep. He wasn’t tired, not in his usual way - but he was definitely feeling the effects of the heat - which caused similar feelings to his own starvation.  
He was dizzy - and his legs seemed unable to bear his weight.  
Being back in the space where it all began - it was quite an awful feeling - especially with the space being an entire planet; he couldn’t escape any part of it.  
“You don’t like this, do you?” Ahsoka asked - as they squinted through the sun, trudging to the coordinates they were given.  
“No, I really don’t.” Anakin said.  
“Kinda figured, but we’re really getting there.” Ahsoka reassured him. Anakin rolled his eyes.  
“We’ve got like kilometers left. We’ll be there by sundown.” Anakin stated.  
“I was trying to make you feel better.” Ahsoka remarked.   
“I know. It’s not helping.” Anakin said. He kept his eyes forward - desperate to just get the location - if he kept one thing from his disorder - it was the ability to push through even the worst of feelings.  
He was met with some of the first moments again. How starving used to make him feel so high - and how he’d fall, only to chase it again. Desperate to numb his emotions.  
“Master, hold. We’re going to stop for a moment. Some of the troops aren’t feeling too well.” Ahsoka said - pulling Anakin’s cloak. He grumbled, as he walked back to the group.  
“I just want to get off of this dust bucket; like now.” Anakin complained, as Ahsoka shoved a food capsule in Anakin’s face.  
“Eat it; you might just be hungry.” Ahsoka suggested, and Anakin snatched the capsule with a bit of force.  
“Fine.” He said, and consumed one of the pellets - which were able to sustain him for quite some time.  
They spent some time resting - Kix attending to some dehydrated troops, before Anakin forced them back on the path.  
“We’re close to the general, and I’d rather do it now, and escape with the transport. If we wait, he may move.” Anakin said - urging everyone to move slightly quicker.  
Wandering through the desert at sundown had him remembering the worst of his memory. He watched his mother pass in his arms - he kept seeing her over and over again - entirely unable to stop what he was seeing.  
With it - he felt sick. He felt whatever he had consumed - which was only a single food pellet and his breakfast. Anakin felt an odd nausea; one that wasn’t self-induced. He couldn’t breathe, and Ahsoka pulled him from the troops.  
“Go forward for a bit, scout.” Ahsoka commanded the troops, as she walked towards the falling Anakin - and supported his weight.  
He wasn’t able to breath, but he wasn’t panicking. She could feel the absolute despair exuding from him.  
“Master, look at me. Meet my eyes, you’re seeing things.” Ahsoka called - trying to pull him from his head.  
She gently made sure to get Anakin to the ground, and watched Kix run back from the group.  
“Is he ok?” Kix asked. He knelt to the right side of the General.  
“I think so, he’s probably having some sort of panic attack or something.” Ahsoka said, as she kept at least a hand on Anakin - who was now able to get himself away from the visions. He looked up.  
“Ahsoka?” Anakin asked, shifting away from her grip.  
“You doing ok?” She asked. Anakin got up, and brushed the absolutely awful sand from his clothing.  
“I uh, what even happened? I just kept seeing my mother die, over and over.” Anakin said, looking about the dusk sky.  
“You probably had a panic attack, or something. Uh, you think you can continue?” Ahsoka asked. Kix went to quickly scan Anakin’s vitals - just to make sure nothing was concerning.  
“Oh uh, yeah, I’ll be fine. The faster we get this over with; the better.” Anakin said, pushing himself up from the sand.  
They kept on their trail - sneaking into what looked to be their first signs of Separatists. Anakin had started to become far more perceptive - looking left and right, trying to recognize any signs of danger.  
They arrived at a small hut - completely out of the way from anything else - which was at the exact location.   
“Go comm the transport - tell them to get over here, now. We’ll be going in.” Anakin said, as he shoved the door down.  
He was met with two measly battle droids, and a figure sitting inside. The hut only had a single room, and no other way of escaping.  
“And you come to respond.” The figure said, and turned.  
“You’re under arrest of the Republic.” Anakin said, igniting his lightsaber.  
“You think I’d fight you, jedi?” The figure asked.  
“I was expecting more of one, but peacefully works too.” Anakin remarked, as he inched closer.  
“I uh, this could be a trap.” Ahsoka whispered.  
“That’s why you’re here.” Anakin whispered back.   
Two troops pulled the suspect off of the floor - and with Anakin looking back towards the walls - they walked out.  
Oddly quiet - they boarded the transport.   
Anakin was unsure - something was bound to happen - he felt very little peace.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello again ya'll !


	21. Something's Off About the Nostalgia

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Anakin isn't able to shake Tatooine

It seemed Anakin was back on the cruiser, moments after leaving the desert.   
The captured general, whom he still absolutely didn’t trust; was trapped in a room, safely away from everyone. Anakin wanted to think nothing of him - his mind lay elsewhere.  
His thoughts still remained with Tatooine - they remained in his sickest moments. How he was able to just go days without food, but not without consequence. Those days were followed with his first few bouts of binging and then purging.  
His body wasn’t yet screwed up - and he was able to go so much further before any of the adverse effects caught up to him.  
Anakin was irrationally angry at his body for being unable to continue in such a way - even in times of war; where his body needs to keep up with the fighting.   
Logically, yes, this was a horribly dumb thought. His mind seemed to twist the thought into something along the lines of: If you cannot do it again, you’re weak.  
And so the worst of his thoughts were planting their seeds again; much to Anakin’s dismay.  
He wanted to get better - truly he did, but for some reason this felt better. Going as far as he could; it might help him feel better for even just a few moments - before his body gives out on him.   
Anakin knew the risks. He had experienced all the risks - his body was still failing him from said risks. He no longer cared.  
Ahsoka walked up beside him - subconsciously knowing he was struggling. The bond between them was much stronger than she had anticipated. It called for some awkward moments, but also helped them stay with each other in the most stressful of moments.  
“Are you ok? Uh, I know Tatooine wasn’t easy.” Ahsoka asked, calmly. Anakin looked up - he had to brush the illogical thoughts aside, so Ahsoka wouldn’t pick up on them.  
“Yeah. It’s just - I don’t like to go back there. It’s never been a good place.” Anakin said.  
“And it brings you back to something, I can feel your nostalgia.” Ahsoka observed.  
“It reminds me of the first few moments with the disorder. I felt high, invincible, as if I could do everything.” Anakin said.  
“And you want to feel that again?” Ahsoka asked.  
“Yeah, uh; I sort of - it’s like...It’s like chasing a high. I want to feel that alive again, but now, everytime I do it; I just feel like I’m dying.” Anakin explained.  
“Well yeah, your body can’t really run off of nothing.” Ahsoka pointed out - she was standing beside Anakin now; on the bridge.  
“I know, but I still want to experience it, one more time - even if it’s not the best idea.” Anakin said.  
“I’ll tell Obi-Wan.” Ahsoka said, her heart dropping with Anakin’s honesty.  
“I never said I was going to.” Anakin told her.  
“Take it as a warning; if you do.” Ahsoka said. Anakin’s comlink beeped a couple times. He left the bridge to take the comm.  
“Anakin, you there?” Obi-Wan said from the other side.  
“Yeah, what’s up, master?” Anakin asked.  
“You’ve got the general on board right? How far out are you?” Obi-Wan asked.  
“We’ve got him captive, and we’re about a day out.” Anakin said.  
“Good, I assume you weren’t too happy on Tatooine?” Obi-Wan remarked.  
“No, master. I would like to forget about it, actually.” Anakin said.  
“Of course, but you are ok, though? I just, I know you never had an easy time there.” Obi-Wan said, calmly.  
“I’m fine. That was a few years ago anyway.” Anakin brushed it off.  
“Anakin, that was two years ago, and it seems you never got over it.” Obi-Wan observed.  
“Can we not talk about Tatooine.” Anakin said.   
“Of course, but you will need to eventually.” Obi-Wan said, before clicking off.  
Anakin walked away from the bridge - overwhelmed. He felt a familiar overwhelm. His mind racing - replaying old moments.  
He was desperate to be ill. He wanted to feel the familiarity of toeing the line.   
He wasn’t suicidal, no, not actively, so it confused him when he suddenly felt this urge to be so utterly destructive.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A small chapter !


	22. A Separate Form of Honesty

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Anakin is resistant. Obi-Wan is persistent.

Arriving back at the Jedi temple was something that Anakin never expected to enjoy. He felt relief to see the Coruscant air, and the populated cities below. His own thoughts weren’t able to shake Tatooine.  
It seemed to stick around, even now. The atmosphere seemed to have changed.  
A couple of Clones, and Plo Koon came running into the hangar, as the crew got off of the cruiser.  
“We’re here to lead the general to interrogation.” Plo explained.  
“Of course, master. I’ve got two troops bringing him out now.” Anakin said, and he parted to the side of the landing platform - and watched two clones wrestle the tall general down the ramp.  
“Good. I hope your trip was uneventful.” Plo said, as he placed handcuffs on the general’s wrists.  
“Thank you; it was decently quiet.” Anakin said. He looked back to the ship, before getting out of the bay - desperate to just be alone for a few moments.  
He walked to his quarters, and closed the door - before collapsing on his bed. It was something he wasn’t fully accustomed to - nor would he become accustomed to. Any form of relaxing was just another awful feeling.   
His mind would wander to his deeply unwanted thoughts. Silence brought those upon him.  
Anakin felt hungry, but he had no intention of eating anything. The feeling was something he dwelled upon - a calm that he was desperate to feel.  
He almost felt the same high - the one he desperately was chasing.  
It just never felt quite the same - but it seemed he couldn’t quite shake the urge to try.  
Short-lived - his door opened. He grumbled as he turned onto his side and was met with Obi-Wan standing by the door.  
“Can I have a few moments of peace. I ask for five minutes.” Anakin grumbled.  
Obi-Wan went to sit on the bed, facing Anakin.  
“After this, I promise.” Obi-Wan said.  
“After what?” Anakin asked - still fully laying down; he was unable to actually get back up.   
“I just need you to be honest with me; we need to finally talk about it.” Obi-Wan said, as he brushed some of Anakin’s hair from his face.  
“Honest about what?” Anakin retorted. Trying to drag it all out - desperate to hide himself.  
“Anakin,” Obi-Wan remarked, annoyed. He inhaled. “I heard that you collapsed aboard the cruiser.”   
“From whom?” Anakin asked, annoyed.  
“Ahsoka. She, uh, she was quite concerned,” Obi-Wan said. Anakin kept trailing his eyes to the bedsheets - trying to ignore the saddened eyes of his master. “You’re still doing all of it, aren’t you?”   
“Yeah.” Anakin said, unable to say more.  
“You don’t plan on stopping, do you?” Obi-Wan asked.  
“Not really.” Anakin mumbled.  
“Why?” Obi-Wan asked.  
“I don’t know. It feels good.” Anakin said.  
“Can you be less vague.” Obi-Wan remarked.  
“I just admitted to everything. What else do you need?” Anakin pointed out, frustrated.  
“Why did you relapse? Why - even when you know how awful it can be.” Obi-Wan asked. Anakin felt his heart begin to race - skipping beats. He turned his back to his master - unable to face him.  
“I never got better. I just lied, so I could keep doing it.” Anakin said.  
“Aren’t you miserable? I mean, this can’t feel good.” Obi-Wan asked. Anakin felt, so deeply, the pain that came from Obi-Wan’s voice - and it hurt. Anakin couldn’t bear to see his master in such a state.  
“Yeah, it sucks, but it also sometimes, it uh feels good, or at least helps me feel anything at all.” Anakin said.  
“How does it help?” Obi-Wan asked, ebbing Anakin; hoping to understand something about him.  
“Kind of like addiction. I got real high off it once - and kept chasing it. It works, just not as well.” Anakin explained. He was letting his walls down; only slightly.   
“Why? You’ve said that, but there’s something more, isn’t there? Something you’ve hid for years.” Obi-Wan asked.  
Anakin froze - he had never really intended to speak a full truth. He had desired so desperately to keep it hidden, as he wasn’t really ready to be so vulnerable.  
“To punish myself, I guess. I felt I only deserved the misery.” Anakin said.  
“For what?” Obi-Wan asked, his eyes growing wider - realising how much of his Padawan’s suffering he had overlooked - for the Jedi code.  
“Guilt. Losing people. It was just my mother, but then the war started, and I kept blaming myself for all those who died under my command.” Anakin said. His cheeks burned red as he did so. He hadn’t ever expected to be so open, but after the fact - a weight lifted from his chest. He felt as if he could breathe.  
“You’re not to blame; it’s part of war.” Obi-Wan said, trying to reassure him. Anakin rolled his eyes, and just sighed.  
“Thanks for telling me that now, but it’s a little too late.” Anaki pointed out.   
“So you’re going to let it kill you?” Obi-Wan asked; his heart drooping dearly.  
“Not sure. I’m not the actively suicidal type. I’m more of a ‘do something stupid, and if it kills me; then so be it.’” Anakin muttered. He was deeply uncomfortable with the conversation, as it dug deeper into the exact feelings he had been so desperate to avoid.   
“Are you even interested in getting better?” Obi-Wan asked, disheartened.  
“I don’t know. Maybe. I just-I don’t know what I want. “ Anakin rambled. His mind unable to comprehend the thoughts, as he had always shoved them away - desperate to not understand them.  
“Would you consider at least being honest? I’m not going to stop you, no, but I want you to be honest with me. Tell me if you haven’t eaten, when I ask. Don’t make up some crap lie. Tell me if you purged, or if you’re going to. I can’t force you to get help, but I do hold the Council over you, and I will tell them if you get worse. You may be passively suicidal, but no one’s giving up on you.” Obi-Wan said.  
Anakin turned onto his back. His eyes meeting with Obi-Wan once more - tears stinging his eyes. His throat felt dry, desperate. He wasn’t quite able to form sentences.  
“I uh-I. I don’t know if-I’m sorry. I can do that.” Anakin sputtered.   
Obi-Wan gave him a calm smile, and brushed the same unruly lock from his forehead.  
“You’re not as hopeless as you may think,” Obi-Wan reassured him; when his comlink started to beep. Obi-Wan got up from the bed. “I must go, now. Duty calls. I’ll leave you here to mope for a few more hours, before checking back in.” Obi-Wan remarked, as he left the dark room.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ah yes - more


	23. A Promise Less Empty

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Anakin accepts.

Anakin was understandably piss-poor at honesty, especially with the purging. He had definitely told Obi-Wan a few times - but for every time he had told Obi-Wan - there were also many moments where he did not. Anakin wasn’t yet comfortable - frankly he was still quite uncomfortable with Obi-Wan being so involved.  
But he understood why.  
Somehow he felt guilt when he’d tell Obi-Wan - the way he felt disappointment, as if he was in the wrong.  
He knew he was somewhat in the wrong, as he was increasingly aware that this could indeed kill him, and he was closer to such a fate.  
It wasn’t the concept of his own self-destruction that he felt such guilt over, no; it was the way it continued to affect others. Obi-Wan exuded such a fear when Anakin told him anything, as if he may break. Even in times of war, where Anakin was fighting with his diminished strength.  
Anakin sat with his back against the fresher wall. His hands shaking, pale - the familiar bruising was stark upon his knuckles. He was dreading the comm - as if Obi-Wan was going to destroy him once more.   
He had promised, so he felt a worse guilt about not saying anything.  
Anakin pressed the comm button.  
“Master, I-” Anakin started.   
“Did you, again?” Obi-Wan asked, his voice deeply concerned.  
“I’m sorry.” Anakin said, defeated.  
No words came from the other end; which had Anakin concerned that he had finally broken his relationship with Obi-Wan. He had finally hit the end. He shoved his head into his hands - unable to see in front of him, nodding in and out. It was a horrid feeling, and he was desperate to just pass out - it’d save any embarrassment.  
The sound of his door startled him back to a mostly conscious state.  
“Anakin?” He heard Obi-Wan call, as he walked through the small quarters.  
“Master?” Anakin said, exasperated. He had spent the last ten minutes convincing himself that Obi-Wan had officially given up on him. He watched Obi-Wan walk into the fresher, and stop at the sight of Anakin on the floor.  
No words were exchanged, as Obi-Wan pulled Anakin off of the floor - overestimating his bodyweight. Anakin fell into his master’s shoulders, and felt Obi-Wan’s hands keep him upright. Obi-Wan basically carried Anakin towards his bed, and laid him down.  
“Can you at least try and stay awake while I figure out what to do with you.” Obi-Wan remarked, as Anakin fought the impending drowsiness that came with his persistent shaking.  
“Yeah.” Anakin said, as the weight upon his head grew worse.  
“You need to be in the med bay. I don’t think sleeping it off again is a good idea.” Obi-Wan observed.  
“I don’t want more needles shoved up my arms.” Anakin slurred, as his eyelids started to lose the fight with his unconscious.  
“I don’t think you have a choice in this matter.” Obi-Wan said, as he picked Anakin up off the bed once more. He pulled the younger Jedi’s arm around his shoulders, and helped Anakin walk, as they made their way through the halls.  
Obi-Wan walked into the halls, Anakin basically draped around him. He walked towards one of the more familiar healers - ignoring the medical droids - knowing that Anakin wouldn’t be too receptive.  
“I uh, I bring to you the General, once more.” Obi-Wan remarked, as he passed Anakin onto a bed.  
“What happened this time?” The healer asked - as she began her scan.  
“I uh - he never gave me details, but he commed me from his fresher, basically passed out.” Obi-Wan explained.  
The healer pulled Anakin’s arm towards her, quickly taking a blood sample. Anakin raised his eyes.  
“Oh you’re somewhat responsive.” The healer observed. Anakin just glared - his head was pounding now.  
“I’m just in pain.” Anakin remarked, as he laid on the bed, unable to keep his neck up.  
“So, what did happen? Now that you can talk.” The healer asked, as she observed his scans.  
“Purging, what else do you expect?” Anakin remarked.  
“Your scans show a concerning drop in blood pressure, the familiar low potassium, and thus a concerningly low heart rate. It seems your body isn’t able to remain as stable, and it’ll only get worse if you continue.” The healer explained.  
“I know.” Anakin said, quietly.  
“Yet you choose to continue this. Anakin, you’re miserable.” Obi-Wan said, as he walked closer to the bedside.  
“Do you know how desperate I am to stop? I know how screwed up it is; I just, I can’t stop it.” Anakin said.  
“Because you feel so poorly of yourself?” Obi-Wan asked, remembering the long conversation they had.  
“It’s just- I don’t feel like myself anymore. It’s been so long that I can’t feel anything without it.” Anakin said, bringing his hands to his face - pulling the small tube - which had been inserted into his forearm for Potassium - with him.   
“So how do we help? I cannot watch you fall much further.” Obi-Wan asked. Unable to wrap his head around pretty much anything.  
“I don’t know. I just - I don’t know if I’m ready to get better.” Anakin sighed. He had already accepted that this was just going to take him, frankly he wasn’t sure how he had made it this long.  
“If you don’t at least try; this’ll get worse, and there is irreversible damage that comes from this.” The healer said, walking over toward him.  
“I just-” Anakin started.  
“You’ll take the offer, Anakin. I can still tell the council if you don’t. You’ll be put on medical leave and forced to do a lot that I know you do not want to do.” Obi-Wan explained - leaving Anakin sighing.  
“I uh. I accept the offer for help.” Anakin said, defeated.  
“So, what’s the first step?” Obi-Wan asked.  
“This, and then more thorough scans before we figure out the plan.” The healer explained.  
“And this will take some time I presume?” Obi-Wan asked.  
“It may be a lifetime. This is just as other mental illness; it sticks with someone - but it can be subdued.” The healer explained.  
“Of course.” Anakin remarked.  
“Doesn’t mean you shouldn’t try. It’s hard at first, but it gets better as you go along.” The healer explained.  
Anakin dreaded everything he was about to get into.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> At this point, I'm just writing - no plan, just days.

**Author's Note:**

> I wanted to continue my og fic, but I wrote it like years ago and hated the writing style, so here's an updated version that I'm much happier with  
> aka  
> special interest changed again.


End file.
